Minimalist Indonesia

  May 25th, 2026. I'll always grateful that I met him in my early thirties. We grow together as we embrace the new decade of our life, and to me, gained the biggest life lessons I've ever had. Our season may have ended again, but that's fine. Because it leads me to a new realisation that; as it turns out, after all the umrah, the repentance, the strike fasting of Dzulhijjah I had last year, I still have same situation again in the next year. Same person, same issue, same mistake. But not everything is the same. He came back, only to helped me realise that something in me has changed. My situation is the same, but the way I responded to it, is completely different. I've been making the same du'a for years and yet nothing changed. Only now I can see why. For the last ten years, I kept making du'a out of desperation. Out of misery. Busy seeing my self as the victim of an abandoned child. The du'as were always targetted to patch the hole in my life. I was too fo...

This is for my 17days Umrah Itikaf, in Ramadan, 17-31 March 2025 when the temperature wasn't too hot.   Clothings: 9 Abayas + 2 Pajamas + Legging and inner tshirt + other inner clothings 9 Khimar or hijab, Hijab pin  9 Inner Hijab 9 Handsocks 15 socks ( this is important because socks is hard to find in Mecca) 21 Paper underwear + some fabric underwear + 1 pack of panty liner Comfy and light sandal Hat (is a must) Qur'an pocket (yes, there are plenty of Quran in Haramain that you can use, but I prefer using mine, because the font is more familiar, and I don't have to stand up and walk through people to reach the Quran. In some places like the rooftop of Masjidil Haram, the Quran spots is only a few, makes it harder to reach during crowded time).  Dhikr bead, dhikr ring Sanitary and Beauty kit Basic skincare kit, and bathroom kit Deorex; deodorant spray, non-perfumed. Recommended. This is the reason why I can wear same abayas for two days. I only change the tanktop in...

  ‘Yaa Allah, I know You’re there. I know You’re listening. I know You’re close to me. Please.. forgive me’ *** My heart is full every time I come back from a dakwah session. Maybe because I still don’t do the offline ones often, so it still feel magical everytime I attend one. Today, is a monthly session about the sahabah and today’s topic is Nuaiman bin Mas’ud. A day before this, I just finished the series on Surah Al-Ahzab which makes me cry because ust Nouman was also cry when he said “ whatever you do, keep holding to The Book. Because at least this can be our argument that Yaa Allah we may have messed up but at least we didn’t let It go”. My shalah after that was different and full of tears.  Although the series is completed, but the discussion was more focused on the munafiqoon and Ummahatul Mukminin. The story of the war itself was not deeply elaborated, so I still had question. I know we win.. but how? Little did I know, the answer is provided from today’s session whi...

  As a first born daughter and grand-daughter from parents who got married so young, I have multiple roles in the family other than that two. I am a sister for my siblings and cousins, and also a 'friend' for my aunts, because they trust me with their family and kids stories as if I am an outsider. Today, I am visiting my aunt and we had a little talk about a school which is one of the best Islamic school in Indonesia. But the reality is their teaching does not fully reflect Islamic teaching, and the social life among the students. So she should be toughen up, to go against her youngest daughter's tantrum comparing herself and her friends. "Of course the mother is the madrasah.. but the father is the headmaster!" my aunt conclude her story about dividing role between her and my uncle. We laugh. She was right. Kids education supposed to be on both responsibilities because if not, the mother will always be the bad cop and kids will hate her for that. Her image to th...

You grew up with your father's anger and your mother's insecurity. You absorb their frustrations and their rage. Then you question yourself, why you have boiling rage in your body? Where does this came from? Why even a small matter hurts you too much? If only your father knew that you are fighting so hard to cut his anger pattern in you. If only your mother knew you are growing your mind not to be like her. You dictate your self-worth, you train your mind to believe that you deserve love, and as simple as it is, it's not an easy job. Especially when you don't have parents who support you. I am not teaching you to blame your parents for all the things that goes wrong in your life. I am teaching you to take the responsibilities in becoming your self, your own better self. They have their portion of fault, and so do you. But we need to focus on what we can control. They are them, and nothing to change about it especially if they don't have the conscious mind to accept ...

  Time Mystical time Cutting me open, then healing me fine Were there clues I didn't see? And isn't it just so pretty to think All along there was some Invisible string Tying you to me? -Invisible String, Taylor Swift- * I know this is messed up, I am trying to learn Quran, but still cant detach to some songs. Especially this one, the lyric caught my heart deep. * A string that pulled me Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire Chains around my demons Wool to brave the seasons One single thread of gold tied me to you * I finally see a purple pink sky again, today. It's been so long, too long even. My last record that I keep in instagram highlight was from 2021, on the first day of work in Bali and I was on my way back to my rented room.  * Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart Now I send their babies presents Gold was the color of the leaves when I showed you around Centennial...

  This city and I have a complicated relationship. 2016 We made a core memory together since 2016, back when I was just starting a life as an adult, having my first job, my salary, and still have friends around. Some of my friends from high school were on their master degree when I was already a corporate girl. So I had a time when I thought I was advanced, only to be left alone because they’re all got married gradually from 2018 to 2021. But at least, during the course of 2016 to 2017, they were there for me, always catch me when I broke my heart. Because that year.. 2016, was the year I had a wedding canceled. 2021 I just back from Bali. Trying to start a new life by living there but only lasted for 3 months. Its too effing lonely out there. Bali is not for a solo-hijabi long term stay. First thing I found when I arrived at my house was my baby sister. She just started her high school and it was her first semester break. Without thinking twice, I bought us a ticket to this city a...

  Have you ever felt angry, your breath is short and your heart beats fast? If no, then be grateful.  If yes, here, I have something for you. Because I know how it feels.  It was when my childhood wound got triggered, but I didn't know it then. Only later when I was assisted by my bestfriend who is also a psychologist that I learned, apparently, certain behaviour from others could trigger the wounds in me. And the fact that I feel so angry over small problem, indicates the wound is still there, remain unhealed.  The feeling sucks, isn't it? Shallow breath, heartbeat fast, the crowded brain, filled with unanswered questions and sometimes tears just fall from your eyes no matter how strong you've hold it. I know. It sucks. That is the ugliest feeling I have ever had. For some, including me, it comes with shaky hands or shaky bodies and throw up. Which apparently, is a form of panic attack.  Although this is normal, that as human we have childhood wound, unhealed a...

  Kalau dipikir-pikir, terhadap hal-hal besar yang sifatnya sangat anugerah, Allah selalu kasih tanpa ku minta. Dengan mudah, dengan mulus, tanpa cela.  Tapi untuk satu saja hal sederhana, yang itu nyaris semua orang miliki, dan selalu ku pinta sejak lama sampai sekarang belum juga Allah kabulkan. Aku tetap yakin pasti akan Allah kabulkan. Tapi aku ingin mengerti apa rahasia dibalik semua ini? Ya Allah, mudahkanlah pemahamanku dalam memahami kebijaksanaan-Mu. Bogor,  14 April 2025

  The main point of du'a is to get closer with Allah. Yet, sometimes we make du'a to get what we want in life, to get the dunya be under our feet. To get the degree, to be graduated, to get married, to get the job, to get the kids.. Maybe the reason why Allah delayed the du'a is so we can detach our heart from those things first. Because the attachment could ruin us. Once Allah gave us what we've been asking for, there is no going back. Our life will be filled with everything that we have asked, and one day, it could all gone because nothing permanent in this world. So to prevent us from breaking, Allah wants us to detach, He makes us making du'a every night to know the sweetness of being close to Him, to be alone with Him. He teaches us the ultimate goal in life, and it is about just us and Him alone. He will grant us those things, very easily, but first, He want us to have the right attitude. From this day forward, make tahajjud not only because you want to get th...

  I plan to pack my luggage one week before the trip because I was that excited. But work has caught me so crazily to the point that I barely leave my desk for the total 8 hours in the daylight. I couldn't pack at night too, because I'd be busy with iftar and taraweeh and get tired after that. So, today, Saturday, March 15th 2025, I start packing and boy it's an overwhelming thing. I travel a lot.. like it's in my monthly schedule to visit an airport. But I've never been this overwhelm for packing before. As it turns out, pack a casual tshirt and jeans are way easier than packing abayas and khimars. These large-fabric-clothings are not easy to fold, and the thickness of one abaya is equal to three set of my work outfit. I gave up at 19.40 with my luggage is only halfway packed. I will only bring 9 abayas for a 17days trip, and I will make du'a so Allah make it sufficient for me during the trip.  I was never been this overwhelmed before because I could always acc...

  Hi, it's been months How have you been? How's life since we stopped talking? I won't lie, I miss you But I know missing you isn't enough of a reason to reach out again I really hope life is treating you well I would be so happy if you truly happy now Not hearing from you has brought me some peace, but honestly even though we're not in touch, you're still in my heart and my du'a every night I still think about you all the time, You're always on my mind, and in my heart part of me wonders if you still do though I'm not sure, but I secretly hope you do I revisit our old messages, I know I shouldn't. But they remind me of how happy we were, I still have your pictures It's the only way I can see your smile now I don't know if things ever work out in my favor, but I know things always work out in Allah's favor. And that is the best of the best situation that could ever be.  I miss you. --- (Found it on tiktok, and I kinda like it).

There are many aspects of health that we started to pay attention when we are about to perform Umrah, and for me, this is the most exciting part. Starting from maintaining our body movement. Since I made the decision in December, I have even more motivation to go to the gym. One hour threadmill isn't so boring anymore because I am imagining as if I was walking around the ka'ba. I think this is crucial especially for those who work 9to5 sitting down in the office, our body needs to have a 3 months of warming up before actually doing the thawaf and sa'i. The second is general medical check up. I am grateful that Allah provided me with a free medical check up via the office, so I have no issue in this. If you want, there are some Islamic hospitals that provides general medical checkup for only 750.000 rupiah or in Prodia for 1.500.000 rupiah. But normally people take this option for hajj because of the longer time and more people.  The third is preparing your own personal medi...

  I heard people say that those who go for Umrah or Hajj, are because they are being invited by Allah that's why they are also called "the guests of Allah". I think that's true because just because you have the money, doesn't mean you have another resources to do Umrah or Hajj, and time is one of the main resources. Many of us need to work 9to5 for the rest of their life. Time is not theirs, but belongs to the corporate who hire them. This is so unfortunate, and I pray that everyone of us could have the freedom to choose what we want to do with our time, including me.  But speaking of time, I think 2025 is an exquisite year. The 1st of January is equal to the 1st of Rajab. The 1st of Ramadan will be on the same day with 1st of March (Insya Allah). And the Nisfu Sya'ban (15th of Sya'ban) is on FRIDAY. How I love Friday..  Time is what we need to have before we go for Umrah or Hajj. For me, I am blessed because I have the privilege to work under flexible wor...

What to prepare for Umrah? I think the most basic thing is to understand how to perform Umrah, perfecting our shalah and the sunnahs, perfecting our wudhu, and maintain our heart. Other than that, you can have many people giving tips on video on how to pack, what to bring, where to go, and what to do in the haramain. But I just want to add one thing, which is to learn and understand in deep the seerah of the Prophet and as much as the background cause ( asbabun nuzul ) of an ayah or surah. Why? Because the place that you are about to visit is the same place of where the Quran was sent down, to the best of human being ever created (Peace be upon him). My favorite thing about going places is to understand the historical story of the place. I've done it in multiple places, but only at the age of (almost) 33 I finally realised I haven't done this to the core of my religion: The Quran.  We will about to visit the same land where the Prophet (PBUH) was born, raised, grow up, do the s...

  It still feel surreal for me that I have decided to go for umrah. It's not like I'm becoming more religious, but things are just playing differently in my head now.  The past two years was an emotional rollercoaster. I never knew that life lessons could be so painfully unbearable if we face it with empty heart. I stopped writing -meaningful things, at least- and was just too busy dealing with emotions. But Alhamdulillah, it was all for the best. Allah's scenario is always the best. I was learning to recognize my inner wound, embrace it, and heal it. Now I know what it looks like to be a person carrying emotional wound from childhood, which they fail to address and it creates generational trauma. I am grateful that I had a chance to cut my chain before I pass it down to my future children. Although the process was not easy, and I was this close to being crazy. Long story short, to conclude these lessons, I decided to do Umrah for the first time. This decision was made on D...

  May always has a way to ruin my routine. I lost my grandfather on May 2021 which turns everything upside down. Now, I have my May watching Johnny Depp trial while waiting for the news of Ridwan Kamil's missing son. So many things happened and yet, I can't pause the work. Work flows like a river with infinite end. But it's over now, it's June. The trial has ended (Johnny wins, yeay), the Governor's son still missing, and I am still stuck on my desk, working.  But now I am able to define joy. I always know that joy is from within and we can't rely on external source to be happy. This is June, so I decided to chose joy on daily basis. *** June, 2nd 2022

  Have you ever come across the experience where you were thinking of something, and that something happened? Or when you question something, the answer come to your head?  Today, I had a kind of difficult day with work which I never experienced before in this new place. I got here six months ago, and everything is all sunshine and glitter. Happy day, happy thought, happy faces are all my daily digest. Until today, when I suppose to regulate my emotion, and I was begging Allah for one thing I want the most, and yet the answer is no. I couldn't resist but to cry, and yet I managed to regain self control and move on. I asked Him, why. Why did He rejects the only wish I have for the past six months, and then a few hours later an old colleague of mine invites me to a birthday dinner. We used to celebrate our birthday together in a fancy and classy way, because she's way older, way richer than me, and she happened to call me when she's having difficulty at work. After those diff...

  22-02-2022 I got tested as COVID positive. The first time I had Covid since this virus went viral. It wasn't a good Tuesday, at least not for me. I constantly think about death, although I know so many people have recovered from it. I had the symptoms.. pretty badly.. that painful fever, body aching, I cry in my room, I move to the other room and cry in that room, wishing for death. I had sore throat, and hoarse voice. So.. yeah. I got covid. Days went by, and I learn to live with it. It's getting lighter, but what warms my heart is the attention I get from my surroundings. Friends keep sending me food, plenty of them.. frozen food, milk, chocolate, herbs, honey, oat biscuit.. everything I need is here because they're sending me. While writing this post.. which I'm pretty aware it's been a while since my last post.. I have an herb with honey. The herbs is from my bestfriend Hera, and the honey is from my bestfriend since high school, Ijal. I also had a cookie with...

  Morning air breezes as the warm sunlight touches my skin. I start to walk confidently in this empty street. Alone with my running shoes and a black tote bag filled with my wallet and book. I only know one place to go; beach. The same destination I have visited daily since the first day I arrived in this part of Bali. I never found a decent place to read, not as long as I walked this cobblestone path. But I keep carrying my book just in case, maybe one day I get lucky and find a nice shade with the sound of waves swirling back and forth.  I like this so much. I like the idea of me living in a vacation style for months. All I had to do is work from nine to six, Monday to Friday, and strolling to the beach in between my work schedule AND on the weekends. I never get tired of blue sky and sea. Those two are the reason why heaven is so tempting and kept me away from the things I desire; sins. Even though.. I'm not sure how long will I like it. I no longer that person who is anxio...