If only he knew..

You grew up with your father's anger and your mother's insecurity.

You absorb their frustrations and their rage.

Then you question yourself, why you have boiling rage in your body? Where does this came from? Why even a small matter hurts you too much?

If only your father knew that you are fighting so hard to cut his anger pattern in you.

If only your mother knew you are growing your mind not to be like her.

You dictate your self-worth, you train your mind to believe that you deserve love, and as simple as it is, it's not an easy job. Especially when you don't have parents who support you.

I am not teaching you to blame your parents for all the things that goes wrong in your life.

I am teaching you to take the responsibilities in becoming your self, your own better self.

They have their portion of fault, and so do you.

But we need to focus on what we can control. They are them, and nothing to change about it especially if they don't have the conscious mind to accept what's wrong in them and willing to fix. Because you pointing it to them will cause more hole in your relationship.

They grew up in a swept-things-under the rug situation. It is who they are, and your job is to accept that. Not to change that.

Although... I know accepting is another level of self-awareness but you have trained for this. 

You always tell yourself 'no wonder the deen emphasizing to be good to parents. If it is easy, Allah wouldn't have to say it multiple times because it could flow naturally'. 

You can be a healthier person, not for their sake, but for your sake and maybe for the sake of your future children.

You are now learning to forgive them, and you don't require apology to do so. No matter slow, progress is progress. Keep moving, keep learning, keep mending the wound. 

Love,

Hilma

**

Bogor, 26-06-25.

This is my conversation with me.