Re-root-ing, Re-route-ing

 

‘Yaa Allah, I know You’re there. I know You’re listening. I know You’re close to me. Please.. forgive me’

***

My heart is full every time I come back from a dakwah session. Maybe because I still don’t do the offline ones often, so it still feel magical everytime I attend one. Today, is a monthly session about the sahabah and today’s topic is Nuaiman bin Mas’ud. A day before this, I just finished the series on Surah Al-Ahzab which makes me cry because ust Nouman was also cry when he said “whatever you do, keep holding to The Book. Because at least this can be our argument that Yaa Allah we may have messed up but at least we didn’t let It go”. My shalah after that was different and full of tears. 

Although the series is completed, but the discussion was more focused on the munafiqoon and Ummahatul Mukminin. The story of the war itself was not deeply elaborated, so I still had question. I know we win.. but how?

Little did I know, the answer is provided from today’s session which I chose to attend because I wanted to meet an old friend after almost 9years. She wears niqab now :’)

***

Some friends of mine, they have deep root in their culture. Some have deep roots in their lineage. Some others have deep root in their profession. All those roots formed their character so its easy to identify, or to brand them from one another. But what about me?

I’m always the ‘in between’ girl. Not that smart, but never stupid. Not a math girl, but also not that social. Not a Sulawesi people but also not too Javanese. Being a mix of all Gorontalo, Sundanese and Javanese while growing up in Papua and had a strong childhood there confused me. Who am I?

But now I think.. maybe Allah wants me to deepen my root in Him and make my deen as my identity. Everywhere I go, when people hear my name, they should be thinking about Islam. Maybe that’s my root. 

And why do I need that?

Because when life is really hard, when days feel the same, and when I feel stuck in an endless circle, I ask questions to the air “why am I here?”. Sometimes in my sujud I ask Allah in my heart “why did I agree to be sent here? What makes me agreeing to that covenant?”

If I saw something till I make this decision to come to earth, it means there is something worth living here. Maybe now its still a blur but one day, I believe all these scattered dot will be connected sometimes. 

The way Allah guides my heart from Astrology to crawling back to the deen, from root letters to finding joy in syiar, all seem random but its not. Its just a scattered dot waiting for my frontal lobe to be fully develop to finally understand.

Just like the Quran itself. One ayah after the other which seems irrelevant, but when we take a deeper look, all those scattered ayahs form a structure. It is all connected all along. 

***

I am a girl who loves reading, yet I keep attracting guys who doesn’t like to sit and talk.

I am a girl who started to crawl back into her deen, yet I keep attracting guys who doesn’t think prayers are important.

And then I wonder.. why can’t I find love?

***

They said loves come when we least expect it. So I had to pretend to not expecting love for years but Allah knows I’m faking it. I begged Allah to be with someone for 6 years who end up marrying other girl, and when I go to jannah, I want to ask Allah what did He feel seeing me begging Him for someone whom He knows not a match for me? I like reading he likes partying. I am learning the Quran, he takes me to concert. Allah knows and I didn’t. So now I understand what does it mean to be least expecting love. I cant do that. I cant expect love. But I can re-aligning my root and my purpose, to put Allah, His messenger, and His book at the center of my heart. I was drifted and now I re route back to His path. And if one day you find me drifted again, please let this writing be my soft reminder.

Love, 

Hilma.

*

Bogor, 11 Juli 2025. 

Bulannya cantiiik sekali malam ini. Ya Allah hatiku penuh.