April. 2024 is only 4 months, but I have let go of two things I thought will be mine forever. Letting go seems to be my constant lesson since 2016 and yet I still failing on the tests. It has to be Allah at the center of my heart, instead, I put him, I put my sisters, I put basically everyone but Him.  Let this note be a reminder for me, that I am on my own since now and forever and that won't change. Not even IF (and only IF) I'm married. 


  Menyerah mungkin bukan sebuah kata yang tepat. Pada titik ini, saya menyadari bahwa tidak semua orang ditakdirkan untuk menjalani fase yang sama. Sekolah, kuliah, bekerja, menikah, punya anak, punya cucu, mati adalah fase lazim yang menjadi gambaran ideal berkehidupan. Namun, bukankah Tuhan kita Maha Kreatif? Jika Dia ingin menciptakan yang seragam, tentu kita semua tak perlu risau tentang apakah besok akan lulus sekolah atau tidak, apakah besok akan punya anak atau tidak.. buktinya tidak semua melalui fase tadi dengan urutan yang saya tulis. Banyak juga yang punya anak dulu lalu kuliah, atau menikah dulu lalu kuliah.. namun satu urutan yang tidak pernah tertukar adalah: Mati. End game dari semua fase. Pada titik ini saya mulai menerima bahwa mungkin sebagian kita memang tidak ditakdirkan berpasangan di dunia. Karena sejatinya jalan hidup lebih panjang dari ini. Akhirnya saya mengerti arti dari sebuah akhir. Selesai dengan satu harapan yang telah kita genggam sekian lama. Mungkin buk

I wish this is my last try

 I have a long list of reasons why I should leave you, but I didn't. I beg myself, please let this be your last try, and yet I keep trying again and again.  For the apologies I never received, for all the wishes of it to be sweet again like in the beginning.. You used to call me princess, and I used to believe that.  You throw all my dignity away, I throw my ego for the sake of making things work. I want to make things work. For once I want something last and not to throw it once it gets hard.  But you keep threatening me of leaving and I keep making a way for you to stay. I want to let you go now, but I want you to know the damage you have caused me. I want you to know how hurt it is to stay for you. It is selfish for broken people to spread away their brokenness.. you found me as a happy girl on instagram,  only to be left as a woman who deactivate her account.  I wish I could die right now. I wish I could die and never met you anymore. You hurt me.

Something to Look Forward to

 My life was is great.  At least when I was in my early to mid twenties. Although, at the same time, I was experiencing the first and the biggest heart break of my life, because I broke up with my fiance. We were together for five years and a half, and in the middle of planning a wedding. I was devastated, but not too much. Because during those years, I always have something to look forward to.  I spent the first year of my career exploring Kalimantan and Sumatera. I visited over a hundred villages in remote area. Even those which are not covered by common transportation, and requires all kind of transportation: air, ground, and water.  Life was a constant planning of one field visit to another, or one event after another. I am planning my day to day basis to those goals only.  “Oh I have field visit to North Kalimantan next week, so starting today, my life is heading to that week. I prepare my house to be left alone for a week or two because of that visit…” and so on so forth. I didn

Inside the Mind of a Woman

  Clean up! Clean up the house because it is home for me, and.. Clean up my body because it is home for someone, someday ;). Let’s prepare the homes, because coming home is indeed something to look forward to! *** Bogor, 07 October 2023. 23:13 I finally clean up the corner of my house and it feels sooooo good to see that side of the floor again. I am not a tidy nor organise person, so minimalism helps preventing the mess. I don’t need this many stuff to survive, and neither do you. Declutter now, feel better later 😉

144 Hours without Instagram

  For the very first time in my life, I uninstalled instagram. The apps that have been coloring my days since eleven years ago, is now gone. Not completely, but still gone. I thought I can only stand 3 days without it, but here I managed to survive for 6 good days. But I just cried. This evening, after coming back from the mall. Meeting the Finance Director of my ex company, hearing all her thoughts about the drama that I know so well.. I didn’t do anything with her, I was just sit, listen, and understand. But eventually, that is all she needs. We part ways, I went straight home — make one stop to buy my favorite favorite fruit — and continue home. No picture, no posts, nothing. Oh yeah, I cried once I entered the house. Because it feels so.. empty. The house, the same house I have lived for nearly 6 years now.. feels emptier than ever.  Do I miss instagram? — NO Do I miss posting my stories? — NO. But I miss someone I used to talk to in instagram. I miss his laugh and his weird noise.

Do not challenge the devil

  Dear Hilma, This lesson is to remind you to never (again) challenge the shaytan. You’re not that pious to beat them. Their waswasa is so powerful you won’t be able to resist! Remember this, forever and always. What’s coming is better than what has gone. Use sabr and shalah as your guardian. Love, Mima