My Mind and Me

  It’s the start of July and the weather gets cold. What supposed to be a bright-sunny month is now grey and gloomy, for everything has changed, including the climate. My mind can be a very dark place sometimes. It is scary up here and I thought someday someone will rescue me.  But I was wrong. There is no one here. I have to help my self. I am my own rescuer.  For the hardest battle is to fight our own negative thoughts. I wish I knew this sooner. - Bogor, 9 July 2024

"Akhwat yang siap menikah itu..."

  Semakin bersemangat dalam menuntut ilmu: 1. Ilmu untuk melaksanakan ketaatannya sebagai hamba Allah, 2. Ilmu untuk menjalankan perannya sebagai istri 3. Ilmu untuk mendidik anak-anaknya menjadi generasi shalih-shalihah. ,,, Masya Allah, I'm joining this class, a pre-marriage class for women, and here is the second lesson.  Masya Allah, Allah made me learn those three lessons gradually, started from the third, five years ago, then the second and first through a painful yet amazing experience. But I'm gonna keep learning. Bogor, 13 June 2024

Unsend messages to my ex

  Monday, May 27th 2024, 17.45 I got caught in the rain while riding my motorbike today, and I used our raincoat.. the green one., it was yours, right? Tuesday, May 28th 2024, 11.45 It's finally over for real, I didn't hear or see any of your trace since Saturday. But I am worried.. are you okay? How is your eyes, are they still get tired often? Do you have your cream? I want to ask, but no point. Your answer will be 'I am good, Alhamdulillah' while scratching your skin till its bleeding. I take this back to my prayer. I hope Allah protect you, wherever you are.

Healing Journal, Day 1

  Imagine someone whom you told that the reason why you don't want relationship is because people always left, and why he asked why they left, you gave him the answer and he laughed at it and you explained to him why it matters to you, including a glimpse of your trauma and triggers, and in the end, he left you for the same reason. I intend to write down my journey of healing from this heart break, because of all the heart break that I have been through, this is the most traumatic one. *** He walked into my life when I have made a promise to myself to not again entertaining a temporary guy. I know what I want, I know who I am, and that was exactly what I told him as a disclaimer. He asked me why my past relationships ended, and I gave him the answer thinking that he might want to learn not to make that mistake. Long story short, he did the same mistake, twice as bad because he tried to change me at first, and no matter how hard I tried to adjust him with his rules, I keep on failin

What do you want, Really?

  A.. What do you want from me? After abandoning our ship and gave me no answer when I begged you to fix the problem, now you showed up all casual as if nothing happened. What do you want from me? A friendship? I can't be your friend. We can't be friends. You know how I feel about you and what we did is not something I would ever casually done with a friend. And you know that. Don't play with a woman's heart. Make up your mind first, and unless I am the one that you want, please don't ever bother coming back. I have enough. I just want peace. BR, Hilma


  April. 2024 is only 4 months, but I have let go of two things I thought will be mine forever. Letting go seems to be my constant lesson since 2016 and yet I still failing on the tests. It has to be Allah at the center of my heart, instead, I put him, I put my sisters, I put basically everyone but Him.  Let this note be a reminder for me, that I am on my own since now and forever and that won't change. Not even IF (and only IF) I'm married. 


  Menyerah mungkin bukan sebuah kata yang tepat. Pada titik ini, saya menyadari bahwa tidak semua orang ditakdirkan untuk menjalani fase yang sama. Sekolah, kuliah, bekerja, menikah, punya anak, punya cucu, mati adalah fase lazim yang menjadi gambaran ideal berkehidupan. Namun, bukankah Tuhan kita Maha Kreatif? Jika Dia ingin menciptakan yang seragam, tentu kita semua tak perlu risau tentang apakah besok akan lulus sekolah atau tidak, apakah besok akan punya anak atau tidak.. buktinya tidak semua melalui fase tadi dengan urutan yang saya tulis. Banyak juga yang punya anak dulu lalu kuliah, atau menikah dulu lalu kuliah.. namun satu urutan yang tidak pernah tertukar adalah: Mati. End game dari semua fase. Pada titik ini saya mulai menerima bahwa mungkin sebagian kita memang tidak ditakdirkan berpasangan di dunia. Karena sejatinya jalan hidup lebih panjang dari ini. Akhirnya saya mengerti arti dari sebuah akhir. Selesai dengan satu harapan yang telah kita genggam sekian lama. Mungkin buk