Unsend messages to my ex

  Monday, May 27th 2024, 17.45 I got caught in the rain while riding my motorbike today, and I used our raincoat.. the green one., it was yours, right? Tuesday, May 28th 2024, 11.45 It's finally over for real, I didn't hear or see any of your trace since Saturday. But I am worried.. are you okay? How is your eyes, are they still get tired often? Do you have your cream? I want to ask, but no point. Your answer will be 'I am good, Alhamdulillah' while scratching your skin till its bleeding. I take this back to my prayer. I hope Allah protect you, wherever you are.

Healing Journal, Day 1

  Imagine someone whom you told that the reason why you don't want relationship is because people always left, and why he asked why they left, you gave him the answer and he laughed at it and you explained to him why it matters to you, including a glimpse of your trauma and triggers, and in the end, he left you for the same reason. I intend to write down my journey of healing from this heart break, because of all the heart break that I have been through, this is the most traumatic one. *** He walked into my life when I have made a promise to myself to not again entertaining a temporary guy. I know what I want, I know who I am, and that was exactly what I told him as a disclaimer. He asked me why my past relationships ended, and I gave him the answer thinking that he might want to learn not to make that mistake. Long story short, he did the same mistake, twice as bad because he tried to change me at first, and no matter how hard I tried to adjust him with his rules, I keep on failin

What do you want, Really?

  A.. What do you want from me? After abandoning our ship and gave me no answer when I begged you to fix the problem, now you showed up all casual as if nothing happened. What do you want from me? A friendship? I can't be your friend. We can't be friends. You know how I feel about you and what we did is not something I would ever casually done with a friend. And you know that. Don't play with a woman's heart. Make up your mind first, and unless I am the one that you want, please don't ever bother coming back. I have enough. I just want peace. BR, Hilma


  April. 2024 is only 4 months, but I have let go of two things I thought will be mine forever. Letting go seems to be my constant lesson since 2016 and yet I still failing on the tests. It has to be Allah at the center of my heart, instead, I put him, I put my sisters, I put basically everyone but Him.  Let this note be a reminder for me, that I am on my own since now and forever and that won't change. Not even IF (and only IF) I'm married. 


  Menyerah mungkin bukan sebuah kata yang tepat. Pada titik ini, saya menyadari bahwa tidak semua orang ditakdirkan untuk menjalani fase yang sama. Sekolah, kuliah, bekerja, menikah, punya anak, punya cucu, mati adalah fase lazim yang menjadi gambaran ideal berkehidupan. Namun, bukankah Tuhan kita Maha Kreatif? Jika Dia ingin menciptakan yang seragam, tentu kita semua tak perlu risau tentang apakah besok akan lulus sekolah atau tidak, apakah besok akan punya anak atau tidak.. buktinya tidak semua melalui fase tadi dengan urutan yang saya tulis. Banyak juga yang punya anak dulu lalu kuliah, atau menikah dulu lalu kuliah.. namun satu urutan yang tidak pernah tertukar adalah: Mati. End game dari semua fase. Pada titik ini saya mulai menerima bahwa mungkin sebagian kita memang tidak ditakdirkan berpasangan di dunia. Karena sejatinya jalan hidup lebih panjang dari ini. Akhirnya saya mengerti arti dari sebuah akhir. Selesai dengan satu harapan yang telah kita genggam sekian lama. Mungkin buk

I wish this is my last try

 I have a long list of reasons why I should leave you, but I didn't. I beg myself, please let this be your last try, and yet I keep trying again and again.  For the apologies I never received, for all the wishes of it to be sweet again like in the beginning.. You used to call me princess, and I used to believe that.  I throw all my dignity away, I throw my ego for the sake of making things work. I want to make things work. For once I want something last and not to throw it once it gets hard.  But you keep threatening me of leaving and I keep making a way for you to stay. I want to let you go now, but I want you to know the damage you have caused me. I want you to know how hurt it is to stay for you. It is selfish for broken people to spread away their brokenness.. you found me as a happy girl,  only to be left as a woman who deactivate her account.  I wish I could die right now. I wish I could die and never met you anymore. You hurt me.

Something to Look Forward to

 My life was is great.  At least when I was in my early to mid twenties. Although, at the same time, I was experiencing the first and the biggest heart break of my life, because I broke up with my fiance. We were together for five years and a half, and in the middle of planning a wedding. I was devastated, but not too much. Because during those years, I always have something to look forward to.  I spent the first year of my career exploring Kalimantan and Sumatera. I visited over a hundred villages in remote area. Even those which are not covered by common transportation, and requires all kind of transportation: air, ground, and water.  Life was a constant planning of one field visit to another, or one event after another. I am planning my day to day basis to those goals only.  “Oh I have field visit to North Kalimantan next week, so starting today, my life is heading to that week. I prepare my house to be left alone for a week or two because of that visit…” and so on so forth. I didn