Do not challenge the devil

  Dear Hilma, This lesson is to remind you to never (again) challenge the shaytan. You’re not that pious to beat them. Their waswasa is so powerful you won’t be able to resist! Remember this, forever and always. What’s coming is better than what has gone. Use sabr and shalah as your guardian. Love, Mima

Hello, October

  Detachment is still another big lesson to learn. Has anyone ever mastered it? Or is it only the pious ones who can conquer the skill?  I keep making list on why I should detach from certain people. I even consider to uninstall my instagram. The fact that someone came uninvited and now live rent free in my head, while he on the other side of the world, living his best and full life., is unfair to me. But that happened. Dear October, I need your restarting power. All these times I always start something new on October. I changed course two years ago on October. I started to fall in love again on October.  Dear October, this time would you mind teaching me how to detach? I am done learning now I need to be skilled. I have to.  Best, Mima

Was it ever real?

  Was it ever real between me and you? I don’t know.. you tell me! Why do I have to be the one who define this? You started it.. Because you want it. I don’t care.. Oh so you don’t care? All these times.. you never care? … What’s the silence? Hilma, please.. what else do you want to talk about? You’re avoiding me again. How can I communicate with you if you keep shutting me down whenever things get hard? This is too fast for me. I’m not ready! Yeah so why? Why you started it and requesting “boyfriend privilege” if you’re not ready for another relationship? Why you have to make me believe that I’m special to you if you have no intention to maintain it? What am I, a toy?  Ah okay, if like this I should hang up. Assalamualaikum. *** Virtual world, no date, 2023.

What do I do when I still missed you?

  What do I do when I still missed you after two days removing you from my life? I pray. I take it to my prayer. I made du’a after prayer. And I cry. I hope you are alright. I hope you realise that everything I did, was never to accuse you of doing something wrong. Everything I asked, is because I genuinely wanna know and not hiding follow up questions to attack you. I care about you, even though I try my best not to fall in love with you. And I miss you so.. much. It even hurts more than when you ignored me for 24 hours. I don’t like being ignored, but I could understand if only we are closer.  What do I do when I really missed you? I return this feeling back to Allah. I pray that may my attachment feeling can only be attached to Him and not to you. May Allah helps me removing this feeling from you, but still in the care of His protection. My feeling for you.. I return it to the Ar-Rahmah.  I miss you so much it hurts. I can only pray. And pray. And pray. That’s what I do whenever I w

What do I do when I missed you?

  I texted you while driving, and captured this pictures while driving. For you. When I missed you, the first thing I do is to look at our old pictures. The moments when we were still together, laughing, and teasing each other. Oh but wait, I don’t have that. Because we’ve never been together in person. I only have the recording from our video calls, when you laughed so hard while I was talking about your new place plan. You were laughing at me, cause you think it’s funny. But I think it’s cute. What do I do when I missed you but cant look at our photos? I re-read our old conversations. You were a fast responder back then when you were still trying to win me. And I fell for that. I let you in. I welcome you in. Oh but wait, I have deleted them all now. I have nothing left from what used to be “us” and “ours”. Nothing. I have to delete them. Because it’s too painful for me to read the messages from the last few weeks, when you treated me like garbage.  What do I do when I missed you but

When things end

  It really hurts when things end. Our hearts were not designed to cope with loss easily, because the nature of the heart is to possess. To own things. To have things. While in reality, nothing in this world belongs to us. That is why Islam came with certain rules, with only one lesson: detachment.  Pray five times a day? To detach from worldly life's routine. You're in meeting and your brain is occupied with presentation, results, and analysis, but then you have to stop, get up from your chair, wash some parts of your body, and pray. Fasting? To detach from desire; food, bad languages, vain speeches, you name it. Zakat? To detach from your money, from things that we taught is our own. Hajj? You leave everything behind to live in a tent under the sky. You leave the job, the family, the kids, the houses, the cars, the vehicles, everything.  It is all form of detachment, because worldly thing to possess is only cause us pain. Who wants pain? We all wanna be happy, right? We keep

Still the same Sun

  I drive with a beautiful sunset this afternoon. The exact same Sun that I used to watch every month, 3 years ago when I was still constantly going back to grandma's for the sake of my grand father. I still remember by heart the beauty of it's shape, and the soft colour as its slowly hiding behind those buildings.. The mystical view of afternoon one could witness but never to captured.  The Sun is slowly hiding behind the towers, and buildings, and clouds. Thick grey clouds that is not romantic at all. It is air pollution, for sure. As this city is one of the most polluted cities in the world. But the view still magical to watch at least to soften your eyes after a long long drive. Oh I still remember how I wished to share this view with a guy five years ago, only to know that he is not that into me. I still remember another heartbreak when I passed that view while in a call with another guy who turns out to be something he's not. One failed attempt to another, why can'