Something to Look Forward to

 My life was is great.  At least when I was in my early to mid twenties. Although, at the same time, I was experiencing the first and the biggest heart break of my life, because I broke up with my fiance. We were together for five years and a half, and in the middle of planning a wedding. I was devastated, but not too much. Because during those years, I always have something to look forward to.  I spent the first year of my career exploring Kalimantan and Sumatera. I visited over a hundred villages in remote area. Even those which are not covered by common transportation, and requires all kind of transportation: air, ground, and water.  Life was a constant planning of one field visit to another, or one event after another. I am planning my day to day basis to those goals only.  “Oh I have field visit to North Kalimantan next week, so starting today, my life is heading to that week. I prepare my house to be left alone for a week or two because of that visit…” and so on so forth. I didn

Inside the Mind of a Woman

  Clean up! Clean up the house because it is home for me, and.. Clean up my body because it is home for someone, someday ;). Let’s prepare the homes, because coming home is indeed something to look forward to! *** Bogor, 07 October 2023. 23:13 I finally clean up the corner of my house and it feels sooooo good to see that side of the floor again. I am not a tidy nor organise person, so minimalism helps preventing the mess. I don’t need this many stuff to survive, and neither do you. Declutter now, feel better later 😉

144 Hours without Instagram

  For the very first time in my life, I uninstalled instagram. The apps that have been coloring my days since eleven years ago, is now gone. Not completely, but still gone. I thought I can only stand 3 days without it, but here I managed to survive for 6 good days. But I just cried. This evening, after coming back from the mall. Meeting the Finance Director of my ex company, hearing all her thoughts about the drama that I know so well.. I didn’t do anything with her, I was just sit, listen, and understand. But eventually, that is all she needs. We part ways, I went straight home — make one stop to buy my favorite favorite fruit — and continue home. No picture, no posts, nothing. Oh yeah, I cried once I entered the house. Because it feels so.. empty. The house, the same house I have lived for nearly 6 years now.. feels emptier than ever.  Do I miss instagram? — NO Do I miss posting my stories? — NO. But I miss someone I used to talk to in instagram. I miss his laugh and his weird noise.

Do not challenge the devil

  Dear Hilma, This lesson is to remind you to never (again) challenge the shaytan. You’re not that pious to beat them. Their waswasa is so powerful you won’t be able to resist! Remember this, forever and always. What’s coming is better than what has gone. Use sabr and shalah as your guardian. Love, Mima

Hello, October

  Detachment is still another big lesson to learn. Has anyone ever mastered it? Or is it only the pious ones who can conquer the skill?  I keep making list on why I should detach from certain people. I even consider to uninstall my instagram. The fact that someone came uninvited and now live rent free in my head, while he on the other side of the world, living his best and full life., is unfair to me. But that happened. Dear October, I need your restarting power. All these times I always start something new on October. I changed course two years ago on October. I started to fall in love again on October.  Dear October, this time would you mind teaching me how to detach? I am done learning now I need to be skilled. I have to.  Best, Mima

Was it ever real?

  Was it ever real between me and you? I don’t know.. you tell me! Why do I have to be the one who define this? You started it.. Because you want it. I don’t care.. Oh so you don’t care? All these times.. you never care? … What’s the silence? Hilma, please.. what else do you want to talk about? You’re avoiding me again. How can I communicate with you if you keep shutting me down whenever things get hard? This is too fast for me. I’m not ready! Yeah so why? Why you started it and requesting “boyfriend privilege” if you’re not ready for another relationship? Why you have to make me believe that I’m special to you if you have no intention to maintain it? What am I, a toy?  Ah okay, if like this I should hang up. Assalamualaikum. *** Virtual world, no date, 2023.

What do I do when I still missed you?

  What do I do when I still missed you after two days removing you from my life? I pray. I take it to my prayer. I made du’a after prayer. And I cry. I hope you are alright. I hope you realise that everything I did, was never to accuse you of doing something wrong. Everything I asked, is because I genuinely wanna know and not hiding follow up questions to attack you. I care about you, even though I try my best not to fall in love with you. And I miss you so.. much. It even hurts more than when you ignored me for 24 hours. I don’t like being ignored, but I could understand if only we are closer.  What do I do when I really missed you? I return this feeling back to Allah. I pray that may my attachment feeling can only be attached to Him and not to you. May Allah helps me removing this feeling from you, but still in the care of His protection. My feeling for you.. I return it to the Ar-Rahmah.  I miss you so much it hurts. I can only pray. And pray. And pray. That’s what I do whenever I w