Minimalist Indonesia

You grew up with your father's anger and your mother's insecurity. You absorb their frustrations and their rage. Then you question yourself, why you have boiling rage in your body? Where does this came from? Why even a small matter hurts you too much? If only your father knew that you are fighting so hard to cut his anger pattern in you. If only your mother knew you are growing your mind not to be like her. You dictate your self-worth, you train your mind to believe that you deserve love, and as simple as it is, it's not an easy job. Especially when you don't have parents who support you. I am not teaching you to blame your parents for all the things that goes wrong in your life. I am teaching you to take the responsibilities in becoming your self, your own better self. They have their portion of fault, and so do you. But we need to focus on what we can control. They are them, and nothing to change about it especially if they don't have the conscious mind to accept ...

  Time Mystical time Cutting me open, then healing me fine Were there clues I didn't see? And isn't it just so pretty to think All along there was some Invisible string Tying you to me? -Invisible String, Taylor Swift- * I know this is messed up, I am trying to learn Quran, but still cant detach to some songs. Especially this one, the lyric caught my heart deep. * A string that pulled me Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire Chains around my demons Wool to brave the seasons One single thread of gold tied me to you * I finally see a purple pink sky again, today. It's been so long, too long even. My last record that I keep in instagram highlight was from 2021, on the first day of work in Bali and I was on my way back to my rented room.  * Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart Now I send their babies presents Gold was the color of the leaves when I showed you around Centennial...

  This city and I have a complicated relationship. 2016 We made a core memory together since 2016, back when I was just starting a life as an adult, having my first job, my salary, and still have friends around. Some of my friends from high school were on their master degree when I was already a corporate girl. So I had a time when I thought I was advanced, only to be left alone because they’re all got married gradually from 2018 to 2021. But at least, during the course of 2016 to 2017, they were there for me, always catch me when I broke my heart. Because that year.. 2016, was the year I had a wedding canceled. 2021 I just back from Bali. Trying to start a new life by living there but only lasted for 3 months. Its too effing lonely out there. Bali is not for a solo-hijabi long term stay. First thing I found when I arrived at my house was my baby sister. She just started her high school and it was her first semester break. Without thinking twice, I bought us a ticket to this city a...

  Have you ever felt angry, your breath is short and your heart beats fast? If no, then be grateful.  If yes, here, I have something for you. Because I know how it feels.  It was when my childhood wound got triggered, but I didn't know it then. Only later when I was assisted by my bestfriend who is also a psychologist that I learned, apparently, certain behaviour from others could trigger the wounds in me. And the fact that I feel so angry over small problem, indicates the wound is still there, remain unhealed.  The feeling sucks, isn't it? Shallow breath, heartbeat fast, the crowded brain, filled with unanswered questions and sometimes tears just fall from your eyes no matter how strong you've hold it. I know. It sucks. That is the ugliest feeling I have ever had. For some, including me, it comes with shaky hands or shaky bodies and throw up. Which apparently, is a form of panic attack.  Although this is normal, that as human we have childhood wound, unhealed a...

  I just had a failed attempt in an interview recently. When I received the rejection email, my first thought was " Allah must have had something better, Alhamdulillah".. which is strange, because I would normally shattered and disappointed and gloomy for days. Because this new job was not something that I asked for, but it came my way and suddenly I have hope to get it. But I am grateful that this happened after Umrah, and this is what I want to share here today. It was January when I found the ad to this recruitment. I was not looking for a new job, but because the organisation that posted it is the organisation that I've been looking up for and somehow one of my big goal is to be part of their team, so I pay attention to the ad. The description described my skill perfectly, except for one. But, I applied anyway, knowing that every job poster must be looking for a perfect candidate, but in the end they will make adjustment. After sending my resume, I received nothing fr...

  Kalau dipikir-pikir, terhadap hal-hal besar yang sifatnya sangat anugerah, Allah selalu kasih tanpa ku minta. Dengan mudah, dengan mulus, tanpa cela.  Tapi untuk satu saja hal sederhana, yang itu nyaris semua orang miliki, dan selalu ku pinta sejak lama sampai sekarang belum juga Allah kabulkan. Aku tetap yakin pasti akan Allah kabulkan. Tapi aku ingin mengerti apa rahasia dibalik semua ini? Ya Allah, mudahkanlah pemahamanku dalam memahami kebijaksanaan-Mu. Bogor,  14 April 2025