Divine Feminine Energy

 

Have you ever felt angry, your breath is short and your heart beats fast?

If no, then be grateful. 

If yes, here, I have something for you.

Because I know how it feels. 

It was when my childhood wound got triggered, but I didn't know it then. Only later when I was assisted by my bestfriend who is also a psychologist that I learned, apparently, certain behaviour from others could trigger the wounds in me. And the fact that I feel so angry over small problem, indicates the wound is still there, remain unhealed. 

The feeling sucks, isn't it? Shallow breath, heartbeat fast, the crowded brain, filled with unanswered questions and sometimes tears just fall from your eyes no matter how strong you've hold it. I know. It sucks. That is the ugliest feeling I have ever had. For some, including me, it comes with shaky hands or shaky bodies and throw up. Which apparently, is a form of panic attack. 

Although this is normal, that as human we have childhood wound, unhealed and unspoken anger, but it is not normal to keep it as it is. Time doesn't heal wounds, but we do. The person carrying the wound should be aware to treat it because the untreated wound will rot inside and destroy your peace. Time doesn't heal wounds if it’s not treated.

Being aware of the wound is the very first step we must take in order to heal. Of course the healing process is not linear, it takes reiterative steps until the same trigger doesn't make you cry anymore.

So, whenever you feel triggered, the kind of anger that makes you so angry you want to blow up and scream and yell, just stop. 

Stop everything that you're doing. If you prefer to be alone then be alone. If you prefer to have some company, one that you can trust and wont ignite the wound even worse, then go be with them. Whatever it is, you need to take the action to calm yourself down without harming others especially yourself.

Then label the emotion. Be fully aware that you are currently angry. You might not know why you could be this angry over a simple matter, (this is not the case of when you lend your car to someone and they crash it and they came back to you apologizing with stupid smile and handed you the keys.. no not that..). 

Usually, a triggered wound only manifested over very simple matter like, why you got served with strawberry ice cream while you ordered coffee. I mean, yes you could be angry but you know, the anger should be normal and should be resolved by a simple "hey, sorry, wrong order". But if this simple mistake makes your blood boiled to the point that you want to throw the ice cream to the waitress' face.. then yes, it's a triggered wound.

By labeling the emotion, being aware of the anger, you are already one step ahead in your healing process.

At that moment, just don't do anything or say anything. Let that sink in. Sit with the anger, and if you’re muslim you can make wudhu and pray 2 rakaats if you can or simply just move. Change position, if you are sitting, go lay down. If you lay down, go stand up and do something.

After a while, when you think you're ready, when your hands less shaky, you can start confronting the issue. Like, bringing the strawberry ice cream to the order desk and ask why they give you this while you ordered coffee. 

When the problem resolved, that's when the healing process begin. You see, sometimes people stop in the order desk. Once the problem resolved, they let that problem sink in, they are too busy to revisit or... too hurt to revisit. 

Because this could get ugly.

Because the next step is: contemplating by asking the tight question. “Why this makes me angry”

You ask yourself.. why that simple matter make you feel that much, what may caused it?

Maybe when you started to contemplate with it, you will start to uncover some memories from your childhood. Maybe your parents were never there to listen to you. Whenever you want something they always give you something else. When you started to confront them, they yelled back at you making you feel very guilty. When you started to cry, your parents left you alone so you can stop crying on your own. I told you.. this could get ugly. Revisiting the old memory that hurts us in the past, especially in childhood, is not easy. Some people stop there. Because reliving the memory is too hurtful for them so they stop. 

I suggest you to continue. If at your first attempt you cry even more till you get headache, then you can stop. Maybe the next day, when the weather is nice, and you are very comfortable, you can start to switch that on again. Oh yeah, that was hurtful. Maybe your mother's angry face is still clearly painted well in your head. Maybe your father's voice screaming at you still recorded very well till you have to close your ears. Let the emotion out. Picture the young version of you, the one who live that memory, look at him/her and hug him/her. Tell him/her that she/he is safe now, that you will be okay. Give them the protection you need when you were little. Hug them tight.

And once you feel more comfortable, then the next phase begin: forgiving. This is the part where you heal. When you forgive all the root causes of your trauma. It takes a strong heart to do that. Some take years even decades to be in peace with their past. But as long as it is treated, you are already halfway in your healing journey.

I told you it takes reiterative process. Maybe in this part you have healed, but then there is another part again that trigger you, and it depends on every childhood memories. The more you relive, express the emotion, let it out, let yourself cry, and forgive whoever gave you the wound, the more you will be freed from the trigger.

As a woman, this part is crucial before you become a mother. Because unhealed mother will carry the trauma of her childhood wound to her children. As taking care of a child will involve exhaustive days, and they will grow into one selfish-little human who will suck the life out of you, you will get trigger easily whenever things doesn't go according to your way. Maybe you cry over an unanswered text because you feel abandon by your husband for forgetting to call you when he is out of town. 

So the best way whenever we had a wave of emotion is to label it, be it anger, sadness, disappointment, recognize that you are feeling this negative feeling first, let it sink in, express it if you need, and then ask the question "why does it make me so angry". 

One question after another, one practice after another, it will take months or even year, but you will be there.

A genuine, caring, soft, divine woman that your children will feel safe to be around. Aren't that the goal? to provide softness, calmness, and peace into your household?

AND not to mention that jannah could be granted for you, and you can enter from any doors you like. Masya Allah. May that life be ours, me and yours.

Love,

Hilma.

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Bogor, 08/May/2025.

I am very angry today.. but I ate strawberry ice cream, and then I feel better :) 
Alhamdulillah.