My Umrah Diary, part 6: When I don't understand why something happened

 

I just had a failed attempt in an interview recently. When I received the rejection email, my first thought was "Allah must have had something better, Alhamdulillah".. which is strange, because I would normally shattered and disappointed and gloomy for days. Because this new job was not something that I asked for, but it came my way and suddenly I have hope to get it. But I am grateful that this happened after Umrah, and this is what I want to share here today.

It was January when I found the ad to this recruitment. I was not looking for a new job, but because the organisation that posted it is the organisation that I've been looking up for and somehow one of my big goal is to be part of their team, so I pay attention to the ad. The description described my skill perfectly, except for one. But, I applied anyway, knowing that every job poster must be looking for a perfect candidate, but in the end they will make adjustment. After sending my resume, I received nothing from them, at least until 2 months later. So, I have no more expectation and already let this chance go.

It was March and I was already in Mecca. Not thinking of anything beside where to pray today. Didn't have any interaction with my colleagues, and be completely cut off from work life. I was at peace, I had no expectation about life, it was just me and my prayers. One day, I managed to pray in front of the Kaaba. It was a complete struggle and almost like a war for me to be able to stay in the crowd who are waiting for the gate to open. I got the perfect spot and already lost in my own thought with Kaaba in my sight. I checked my phone after a few minutes and I saw an email from them, inviting me for an interview. Again, I was in awe. Because I wasn't thinking about this job, and already let it go but now I got an interview. So I replied, selecting one of the three schedule they offered, and continue with my prayers. This time, with more gratitude. 

I feel like my du'a was answered. I feel like somehow, it is true what people said that life after Umrah is different and Allah will give abundant of rizq. And I hold that thought so dearly, filling my heart with gratitude and seeking for forgiveness at any chance.

The day of the interview come one week after my return from Umrah. I was calm, I was not overselling my skill, and I was open to my weakness especially in one skill that they are seeking. The interview went well, and once again, I have hope that my life will be changed completely if I get this new job.

They said they will inform me of the decision by end of April, so I wait.

Yesterday was end of April, and they fulfil their promise. You know the result. I didn't get the job.

Disappointed? Yes, of course. Grateful? Yes, still grateful because I just got an upgrade of my corporate credit card in my current job, which allows me to have free access to executive lounge anytime I travel. Haha. One thing that I still feel a bit heavy to let go from my current job, the credit card. Hahahha.

But then I wonder, why did this opportunity came to me, why did Allah let it happened knowing full well that I won't get it? There must be something.. So I started contemplating.

Maybe.. and just maybe. Maybe Allah wants to give me something as big as that new job, but Allah wants to see if I am ready or not. Maybe, Allah knows the fact that I procrastinate a lot preferred energy saving mode and kinda slow and kinda like being slow, so Allah did not give me this one. Maybe this is a sign that I need to start changing my habit, there is one habit that I should eliminate before getting such huge responsibility with big reward like that. Because, it happened before in my love like. I was not really looking, I just celebrated my 30th birthday in my sister's city, I just arrived at my own house when I made a du'a for Allah to send me someone, and He make him the one. Literally the next day after making that du'a, someone walk into my life, we were connected instantly and the process was very easy, which made me think he could be the one. Only to find that I break my heart over and over again on the course of 18 months of us being together - online - and him choosing the woman of his family choice in the end and completely ghosted me like I was never exist, like he was never begging to be in my life for months.

Why did Allah let him happen if Allah know we won't be together anyway?

I protected my heart very carefully before him. Not that I already said I love him, not at all, I never said that to him and we never do anything beside talking, but still, I got attached. Although I did everything not to get attach, but if a guy constantly calling a girl every single day, right at 2pm when he was driving home from work, including her at every decision of his life, saying that "maybe this could be the one, we should see where it goes".. I am still a normal woman with fragile heart, and I've been single for years and never really know any guy.. got treated that way.. of course I will get attach. Now he blamed me for having emotion, for nagging, for this and that.. and left. But that's alright. It's been in the past, and I did Umrah to start over. Not wanting anything except for what Allah gives me.

So, the question remain.. why Allah let me have a bit of taste of these opportunities.. knowing full well I will not get it, and Allah knows how often I made du'a of a changed life.. Until I realised.. 

How often during Umrah, Allah answers my du'a instantly.. 

Even after Umrah, when I went to Jakarta with my mom using public transport, and I am begging in my heart to Allah to give my mom a seat, and He instantly answers it and exactly one seat for my mom right away in the train back to Bogor. 

Allah answers when I beg for Him to give me window seat, because I really needed it, as I didn't sleep for days and I need sleep during the flight and only window seat can give me non-stop sleep. And He did.

Allan answers my du'a when I asked to pray Jummat in front of Kaaba, and I got a perfect spot, and even got a perfect neighbors although they didn't speak English.

Allah answers my du'a when I desperately wished for having good people and good people only in the trip and everybody in my batch are really good despite all the constraints and weak facilities.

Allah didn't give me my du'a when I asked for a window seat on the flight back, but He did gave me an aisle seat, because little did I know, in that flight home, I will need to go to the toilet in the middle of the journey, which I knew perfectly well that I wouldn't do that if I am at the window seat, only to find myself bleeding after holding my period for three weeks. Allah knew I'm gonna need that, He gives me the seat that I need.

I wrote this blog today to remind my self, that Allah indeed answers EVERY du'a. All of it. 

I keep making one du'a to be married to someone good, but instead I keep meeting bad people. Why? Because there is an inner trauma inside of me that needs to heal. They triggered the wound to let me know that I still have a wound to heal. I've been studying, learning, taking minor classes when in University for parenting, only to prepare my self to become a mother because I know that I don't have a good mother figure to take example. That is one way to prepare, but also, a good mother, is a mother that healed. That has set aside her ego, not only to take care of the children, but also to make room for the husband. Men are born with ego, and it is by default theirs are bigger and more fragile. If a woman is not healed, she will never be able to take care of that ego. They will be constantly in competition on who has give up more things for the sake of this togetherness and that's not good. As a child, I knew perfectly well how bad it is to my self growing up watching my parents fight every single day. 

I keep making du'a to be married, but instead of marriage, Allah make my career easy for me, I got this job, I got the previous job, it was a smooth process especially because I am fully aware there are people out there still struggling to make a living. Allah put ease in this part of me, so I could help provide for my family. Now that my father has retired without no retirement plan, I could help to support if there is any extra things we should spend. Not because they ask, but because I could and I want to. And because Allah has gave this ability for me.

So yeah, Allah answers every du'a. This one right here, is not a "no" but a "not yet" and I need to do some work to make myself ready. I can't wait passively waiting for a miracle to happen, I need to prepare, and fix what is inside of my heart. 

Also for the new job, I take this as a sign to start tidying my daily habit. I've been too comfortable for the past few years, and I need to put a bit more effort to escalate my skill. It takes work, and I just realised I've been in hiatus for 18 months. 

This is a restart. Every now and then, there is always a reset and restart button to life. 

I wish this may be it.

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Bogor, May 1st, 2025.

May Day.