My Umrah Diary, Part 1

 

It still feel surreal for me that I have decided to go for umrah. It's not like I'm becoming more religious, but things are just playing differently in my head now. 

The past two years was an emotional rollercoaster. I never knew that life lessons could be so painfully unbearable if we face it with empty heart. I stopped writing -meaningful things, at least- and was just too busy dealing with emotions. But Alhamdulillah, it was all for the best. Allah's scenario is always the best. I was learning to recognize my inner wound, embrace it, and heal it. Now I know what it looks like to be a person carrying emotional wound from childhood, which they fail to address and it creates generational trauma.

I am grateful that I had a chance to cut my chain before I pass it down to my future children.

Although the process was not easy, and I was this close to being crazy.

Long story short, to conclude these lessons, I decided to do Umrah for the first time. This decision was made on December 5th, 2024.

After the decision was made, my life focus has been completely transformed. Not only I started learning about how to perform Umrah, but also learn how to cleanse my heart, liberate my soul from anger and revenge. To that one person who leave this deep wound, I don't hate you at all, thank you for the pain, I wish you all the best, fii amanillah.

Days after making the decision, my life revolves around three things; heart cleansing, deen learning, and fashion shopping. Since I never wore what the ukhtis are wearing, I need to start now, and this is by far the most distracting part in a fun way. As it turns out, wearing Abaya is super comforting, I feel so calm inside that khimar and big fabric clothes. I can only pray to Allah that one day I could be wearing those on daily basis without having to compromise my career. But now maybe not yet the time :').

Anyway, what I actually want to remember here so to make me write again after years is my process of choosing travel company. As we all know, Umrah backpacker is kind of a thing now, and I was torn between doing it myself or going with a travel company. Both has pros and cons. But the pros to the backpacker is just so we can arrange our own time. Which for now, I don't need. I am happy to be led, I am looking forward to be led, and I have no intention to lead anymore. Let's stop that at work, don't do that at home #prinsip.

So after making the choice of going with a travel company, I had to make another choice: which travel company? 

There are plenty of options, and I started working with my pen and paper to list them one by one. 

My choice was narrowed down to one travel company, the trip is for 12 days in early Ramadan. It didn't take long for me to choose this one, only 3 days and I already make down payment. 

My heart was pounding with excitement everytime I saw their post on instagram. Cannot wait to the time when I will be one of them. As when their Umrah kit arrived, I was so excited to read the Umrah guide book, and sew the fabric (bring it to the tailor) for group uniform. 

One month has passed, and I started losing that excitement. 

I am still having trouble with commitment. Long term excitement is an impossible thing, so I started learning to live a life in a way that Allah wants it for me. I keep reminding my self that this Earth is Allah's. The time is Allah's. Even my life and my body belongs to Allah. I am just a slave here, and nothing in my will should be greater than Allah's will.

Then this happened..

While I was still trying to plant that thought in my heart, Allah test me with a cancellation of hotel in Madinah. What supposed to be a 12 days trip, is now shortened into 9days trip and the date is also changed although still in Ramadan. But the Alhamdulillah part is, the travel company informed me one week before the deadline for full payment. I still remember that Wednesday, I already take one day leave so I could go to their office and make payment in person while talking face to face to them ensuring that the company is real. But before that to happen, at 1 am on Wednesday, I received the news.

Weirdly enough, my first reaction was nothing. I know my self, and I know how little things or a slight changes used to bothered me a lot. I like to keep things as it is, and I get attached very easily. But that night, what I had in mind is just: This plan is Allah's. The place that I want to visit is the house of Allah, so Allah choose His guest, and when they could come. 

I just replied to the message with gratitude and asking for full refund instead of joining the 9days trip. 9 days is too short for me, at least for now.

So I began searching the next travel company. Redo the steps of listing one by one, contacting one by one, and make a call appointment in the next day. Some of them are still replying me even at 1.30am.

My option was narrowed to 2 travel companies. One with I'tikaf program and the other one is 12days trip, the exact same plan as my previous travel company. I keep making istikharah since that night on which plan is the best. I know that following the 12days trip is more convenient because they offer same date and I already received some miracle with my period before (which I will elaborate later). The 12days trip will make me feel like there is no chance in my plan at all, and it won't cost me more money because they are at the same price. But the i'tikaf one is a little bit more expensive.. but I started to feel tempted with the possibility of doing I'tikaf in the last 10 days of Ramadan in Masjidil Haram..

I mean.. is it real?

Can you imagine? doing i'tikaf in the most special place at the most special time? 

I've never done any i'tikaf before, so before I make any decision I started learning about i'tikaf. I learn from scratch, and I still have so many questions till now which I wish I could have someone to ask or discuss.

After 2 days and several istikharahs, my heart feel more into the itikaf option. I checked their office, and I make a plan to visit them to make downpayment. I want to make sure the office is real, and the staff is as good as in the phone. But the office is too far from my house, so I contact one of my friend who live in that area.

Again, Allah's scenario is amazing.

When I contacted that friend, we were chatting so intensely without asking how each other's doing. I was just asking her if she would join me in this Umrah trip because I just found out from another friend that she is also looking for an Umrah agent. At the end of the conversation, this friend of mine send a picture. It is HER in a SURGERY gown. and she said "I just completed a surgery....." 

At that moment I feel my heart dropped to the floor.. I didn't even ask how she is doing. 

So without thinking, I offered to accompany her, I packed my bag once she said she would love some companion after the discharge. I went to her house the next day and took half day leave for work, while bringing my laptop so I can do another half day at her house. 

Long story short, she recovered fast and on Sunday we went to the travel company. It was a very smooth process despite the taxi driver rambling about Arab and all the Islamic extremist thing, and I got to bring back the Umrah kit from the travel company at that same day because they happened to cancel one shipment of a kit. With this, I don't need to spend any Rp100.000 for shipping anymore. This is Allah's doing, Alhamdulillah. 

On our way back from the travel agent (I had 3 friends coming with me for just this simple process and I am very grateful to them all), I still cannot believe what just happened. I just paid in part of an umrah itikaf trip.. this is beyond my plan. I never even thought of doing itikaf in the regular masjid in this city, let alone in Masjidil Haram. I still have some fear, but why should I? I will be visiting The Creator of the Universe. It will be trip of just me and Him. His protection is where I lay my faith on. Because this is just me and Him now. 

One month before making decision to do Umrah, I had a disconnection to my prayers. I couldn't feel my shalah, I don't feel like fasting, I don't even enjoy reading Quran again. I had a question at heart, O Allah, why is it so hard to love You? What does loving You feel like? I want to love You, but am I worthy to have the feeling? But You said You love all of your slaves.. could You love me too?

And so this journey, is an exercise for me to live a life as a slave of Allah, to learn how to love Him and believe in Him fully. 

At the moment of disappointment when the cancellation happened, I keep telling my self not to go with the flow of shaytaan who whispers:

    "see, you are not good enough, just cancel the trip, you will still have your money, you can save your money for later, and its too crowded in the Haraam now, you wont bear it, maybe this is the delay for good, Allah will invite you again one day." 

The whisper of shaytaan came unannounced, its like the default thinking of my brain, while the thought against it says:

    "no, Hilma you should go umrah now. Take the itikaf one because maybe this is the only year you could do it yourself. Maybe next year you will be with a husband and it will be tough for the two of you doing this together. Do this now while you still have the time and money for yourself. Do this now before you have children, because once you deliver a baby, there is no going back, you should wait until 17 years later to be free again like now. So do it now, and do not hesitate. Allah will protect you, it is His house after all."

It takes more energy to stay in the second thought. 

It takes a lot of focus, a lot of getting rid of distractions, to stay in the path which we recite daily "keep us on the straight path". I hope I can stay here until I die. 

More stories to come, 

Thank you for reading.

Bogor, 10 February 2025.