Healing Journal, Day 1

 

Imagine someone whom you told that the reason why you don't want relationship is because people always left, and why he asked why they left, you gave him the answer and he laughed at it and you explained to him why it matters to you, including a glimpse of your trauma and triggers, and in the end, he left you for the same reason.

I intend to write down my journey of healing from this heart break, because of all the heart break that I have been through, this is the most traumatic one.

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He walked into my life when I have made a promise to myself to not again entertaining a temporary guy. I know what I want, I know who I am, and that was exactly what I told him as a disclaimer. He asked me why my past relationships ended, and I gave him the answer thinking that he might want to learn not to make that mistake. Long story short, he did the same mistake, twice as bad because he tried to change me at first, and no matter how hard I tried to adjust him with his rules, I keep on failing. My mistake was I didn't run on the first failure. I keep trying to change myself, thinking 'maybe I am the difficult one'. So I try to be more easy and cool as he expects me to be. 

But no matter the effort, I can't meet his expectation. (at this point, my fingers are trembling..).

The relationship ended with him saying "...maybe I will make you cry, but you will recover..." and he was right, I will recover as I always did, so let me tell you the process of recovering from a breakup for someone who has abandonment issue. 

1. Forgiveness.

Ya, I forgave him the minute he ended our call. I understand why he did what he did. The relationship was fragile, and he did his first instinct to protect himself from being abandoned, thinking maybe I will leave him when I tried to communicate the issue that bothers me. Which, at some point, maybe my timing was wrong too., I was overly emotional when he was physically exhausted from work. I blame my self for that part, for not being sensitive enough and to wait for another day before I bring up the issue. So the most difficult part is actually not forgiving him, it was forgiving me. 

Just like any other people who got something taken away from them.. I play some scenarios in my head, one that doesn't make him go away like this. And boy it hurts. I swear it hurts. I didn't cry the night when it happened, but I cried as soon as I wake up and try to do my day (it was weekend). I forced my self out from bed, cook some breakfast, all with non-stop tears. I blame my self for not being patience enough, although this issue has been there for as long as I can remember, but I don't know why I couldn't wait for another day. 

My best friend Cika called me that morning, in a video that didn't start with hello but tears from myself. Not long after, she joined me in the good-cry-video call. But it was relieving. The story would be different had she not call me that morning. I continue my Saturday, getting things done, while checking my phone once in a while only to find there is no sign of him. 

I told you this is who I am from the beginning, and you decided to go on with that, but expecting me to change for you. Maybe that will be the line I would text him to make him feel the pain that he caused me. But no, I decided to ask for his forgiveness, for being insensitive about the timing, I know he was tired from work, but I continue addressing an issue he doesn't like to talk about. 

2. Replacing the core of my heart.

I was not aware of this before, but apparently, all these times, I have put other beings at the centre of my heart. A place which I supposedly reserve for my Lord and my Lord only: Allah. I have learned this lessons from looong time ago, but still, as a human, I got into oblivion and live a life with my 'little illah' at the centre of my heart. 

By the time he decided to end us, I was aware that this is the time for me to get back to my deen. I have realised that when we were together, something in me change. It is true that one haram leads to another, no matter how smart we justify the haram, or cover it with something that makes it wrapped in some halal, haram is haram. Relationship is haram, and that is final. One can't combine those two, even though they pray together or fasting sunnah together, the heart is just.. not there. 

I feel my shalah are tasteless, I barely touch the Quran since I was with him, I turned to him everytime I got problems,. I was different than when I was single. I can't feel my du'a anymore, and therefore, I didn't mind when he ended the call knowing that this is his final decision.

Despite being fully aware of that, the pain is still there. I still cry a little every now and then. I could be laughing with my sister, and the next minute I cry and hide in the bathroom. This is my new normal. A functioning heart-broken. 

So I am now learning to replace the core of my heart with the true owner of it.. I know the theory that we must put Allah at the centre of our heart, but the question is... HOW?!

"How.." that is my question to my bestfriend Ilma at another call.. (and yeah, calling friends are the best remedy).

Today is actually my first day learning that. I remember how I used to post insta-story, just for one person to see and one person only: him. And it makes me sad when I was out with my parents, I was about to take some snaps and share it on social media, but then I realised he will not be there to see and like the post as he always do. I cry .. (again).. but quickly I navigate through that, by telling my self why I do this in the first place, why I joined my parents on their quest to my sister's school in the first place; because I want to please them and pleasing them is pleasing Allah. The heart becomes calm in the remembrance of Allah..  that is so true. So true to the point that I managed to get through today calmly, although my heart still heavy and some memories of him still showed up in my mind here and there and shed me tears (again), but.. okay. I managed :)

I will continue to learn this to every other decisions; why I work tomorrow, because Allah likes the slave who make effort. Why I plan my future, because Allah likes..... and so on so forth. I will keep adding that to every background reason of my decision, and that is calming. 

I managed doing this for my career. I remember the darkest year of when I had a lot of pressures from many direction, the office was not supportive, I was alone, but I need to keep making money for my self. I lose weight, I was anxious, I was alone, and I have nowhere to go. At that very moment, I only rely on Allah while trying to network and connecting with as many people possible, but at the end, still Allah is my only reason. The result now, I got the most fulfilling job, I have everything that I've ever wanted including the opportunity to grow, everything was paid off and Allah is the most detail in His blessing.

Why can't I do this for my romantic issue? My financial issue is Alhamdulillah settled by the help of Allah, why I don't do the same approach to the relationship? 

Because I am stupid, that's why >.<

My emotion is bigger than my aql (mind) when it comes to love story, I am stupid when in love, and I wasn't aware of that. So this time, my mission is to fix this part, and to rely on Allah for everything. I hope that this lesson will always with me, even though I have a husband, because it seems so easy to be relying on the husband than on Allah when in marriage, but.. I dont know. 

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These are the first two parts, I will update you later if I have some updates :)

Love, 

Hilma

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Bogor, May 12 2024

I write again! yay