I wish this is my last try

 I have a long list of reasons why I should leave you, but I didn't.

I beg myself, please let this be your last try, and yet I keep trying again and again. 

For the apologies I never received, for all the wishes of it to be sweet again like in the beginning..

You used to call me princess, and I used to believe that. 

You throw all my dignity away, I throw my ego for the sake of making things work. I want to make things work. For once I want something last and not to throw it once it gets hard. 

But you keep threatening me of leaving and I keep making a way for you to stay.

I want to let you go now, but I want you to know the damage you have caused me. I want you to know how hurt it is to stay for you.

It is selfish for broken people to spread away their brokenness.. you found me as a happy girl on instagram,  only to be left as a woman who deactivate her account. 

I wish I could die right now.

I wish I could die and never met you anymore.

You hurt me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Something to Look Forward to

 My life was is great.  At least when I was in my early to mid twenties. Although, at the same time, I was experiencing the first and the biggest heart break of my life, because I broke up with my fiance. We were together for five years and a half, and in the middle of planning a wedding. I was devastated, but not too much. Because during those years, I always have something to look forward to.  I spent the first year of my career exploring Kalimantan and Sumatera. I visited over a hundred villages in remote area. Even those which are not covered by common transportation, and requires all kind of transportation: air, ground, and water.  Life was a constant planning of one field visit to another, or one event after another. I am planning my day to day basis to those goals only.  “Oh I have field visit to North Kalimantan next week, so starting today, my life is heading to that week. I prepare my house to be left alone for a week or two because of that visit…” and so on so forth. I didn
Read more

June!! (Again)

Image
  May always has a way to ruin my routine. I lost my grandfather on May 2021 which turns everything upside down. Now, I have my May watching Johnny Depp trial while waiting for the news of Ridwan Kamil's missing son. So many things happened and yet, I can't pause the work. Work flows like a river with infinite end. But it's over now, it's June. The trial has ended (Johnny wins, yeay), the Governor's son still missing, and I am still stuck on my desk, working.  But now I am able to define joy. I always know that joy is from within and we can't rely on external source to be happy. This is June, so I decided to chose joy on daily basis. *** June, 2nd 2022
Read more

My COVID Story

Image
  22-02-2022 I got tested as COVID positive. The first time I had Covid since this virus went viral. It wasn't a good Tuesday, at least not for me. I constantly think about death, although I know so many people have recovered from it. I had the symptoms.. pretty badly.. that painful fever, body aching, I cry in my room, I move to the other room and cry in that room, wishing for death. I had sore throat, and hoarse voice. So.. yeah. I got covid. Days went by, and I learn to live with it. It's getting lighter, but what warms my heart is the attention I get from my surroundings. Friends keep sending me food, plenty of them.. frozen food, milk, chocolate, herbs, honey, oat biscuit.. everything I need is here because they're sending me. While writing this post.. which I'm pretty aware it's been a while since my last post.. I have an herb with honey. The herbs is from my bestfriend Hera, and the honey is from my bestfriend since high school, Ijal. I also had a cookie with
Read more