Showing posts from 2023

I wish this is my last try

 I have a long list of reasons why I should leave you, but I didn't. I beg myself, please let this be your last try, and yet I keep trying again and again.  For the apologies I never received, for all the wishes of it to be sweet again like in the beginning.. You used to call me princess, and I used to believe that.  You throw all my dignity away, I throw my ego for the sake of making things work. I want to make things work. For once I want something last and not to throw it once it gets hard.  But you keep threatening me of leaving and I keep making a way for you to stay. I want to let you go now, but I want you to know the damage you have caused me. I want you to know how hurt it is to stay for you. It is selfish for broken people to spread away their brokenness.. you found me as a happy girl on instagram,  only to be left as a woman who deactivate her account.  I wish I could die right now. I wish I could die and never met you anymore. You hurt me.

Something to Look Forward to

 My life was is great.  At least when I was in my early to mid twenties. Although, at the same time, I was experiencing the first and the biggest heart break of my life, because I broke up with my fiance. We were together for five years and a half, and in the middle of planning a wedding. I was devastated, but not too much. Because during those years, I always have something to look forward to.  I spent the first year of my career exploring Kalimantan and Sumatera. I visited over a hundred villages in remote area. Even those which are not covered by common transportation, and requires all kind of transportation: air, ground, and water.  Life was a constant planning of one field visit to another, or one event after another. I am planning my day to day basis to those goals only.  “Oh I have field visit to North Kalimantan next week, so starting today, my life is heading to that week. I prepare my house to be left alone for a week or two because of that visit…” and so on so forth. I didn

Inside the Mind of a Woman

  Clean up! Clean up the house because it is home for me, and.. Clean up my body because it is home for someone, someday ;). Let’s prepare the homes, because coming home is indeed something to look forward to! *** Bogor, 07 October 2023. 23:13 I finally clean up the corner of my house and it feels sooooo good to see that side of the floor again. I am not a tidy nor organise person, so minimalism helps preventing the mess. I don’t need this many stuff to survive, and neither do you. Declutter now, feel better later 😉

144 Hours without Instagram

  For the very first time in my life, I uninstalled instagram. The apps that have been coloring my days since eleven years ago, is now gone. Not completely, but still gone. I thought I can only stand 3 days without it, but here I managed to survive for 6 good days. But I just cried. This evening, after coming back from the mall. Meeting the Finance Director of my ex company, hearing all her thoughts about the drama that I know so well.. I didn’t do anything with her, I was just sit, listen, and understand. But eventually, that is all she needs. We part ways, I went straight home — make one stop to buy my favorite favorite fruit — and continue home. No picture, no posts, nothing. Oh yeah, I cried once I entered the house. Because it feels so.. empty. The house, the same house I have lived for nearly 6 years now.. feels emptier than ever.  Do I miss instagram? — NO Do I miss posting my stories? — NO. But I miss someone I used to talk to in instagram. I miss his laugh and his weird noise.

Do not challenge the devil

  Dear Hilma, This lesson is to remind you to never (again) challenge the shaytan. You’re not that pious to beat them. Their waswasa is so powerful you won’t be able to resist! Remember this, forever and always. What’s coming is better than what has gone. Use sabr and shalah as your guardian. Love, Mima

Hello, October

  Detachment is still another big lesson to learn. Has anyone ever mastered it? Or is it only the pious ones who can conquer the skill?  I keep making list on why I should detach from certain people. I even consider to uninstall my instagram. The fact that someone came uninvited and now live rent free in my head, while he on the other side of the world, living his best and full life., is unfair to me. But that happened. Dear October, I need your restarting power. All these times I always start something new on October. I changed course two years ago on October. I started to fall in love again on October.  Dear October, this time would you mind teaching me how to detach? I am done learning now I need to be skilled. I have to.  Best, Mima

Was it ever real?

  Was it ever real between me and you? I don’t know.. you tell me! Why do I have to be the one who define this? You started it.. Because you want it. I don’t care.. Oh so you don’t care? All these times.. you never care? … What’s the silence? Hilma, please.. what else do you want to talk about? You’re avoiding me again. How can I communicate with you if you keep shutting me down whenever things get hard? This is too fast for me. I’m not ready! Yeah so why? Why you started it and requesting “boyfriend privilege” if you’re not ready for another relationship? Why you have to make me believe that I’m special to you if you have no intention to maintain it? What am I, a toy?  Ah okay, if like this I should hang up. Assalamualaikum. *** Virtual world, no date, 2023.

What do I do when I still missed you?

  What do I do when I still missed you after two days removing you from my life? I pray. I take it to my prayer. I made du’a after prayer. And I cry. I hope you are alright. I hope you realise that everything I did, was never to accuse you of doing something wrong. Everything I asked, is because I genuinely wanna know and not hiding follow up questions to attack you. I care about you, even though I try my best not to fall in love with you. And I miss you so.. much. It even hurts more than when you ignored me for 24 hours. I don’t like being ignored, but I could understand if only we are closer.  What do I do when I really missed you? I return this feeling back to Allah. I pray that may my attachment feeling can only be attached to Him and not to you. May Allah helps me removing this feeling from you, but still in the care of His protection. My feeling for you.. I return it to the Ar-Rahmah.  I miss you so much it hurts. I can only pray. And pray. And pray. That’s what I do whenever I w

What do I do when I missed you?

  I texted you while driving, and captured this pictures while driving. For you. When I missed you, the first thing I do is to look at our old pictures. The moments when we were still together, laughing, and teasing each other. Oh but wait, I don’t have that. Because we’ve never been together in person. I only have the recording from our video calls, when you laughed so hard while I was talking about your new place plan. You were laughing at me, cause you think it’s funny. But I think it’s cute. What do I do when I missed you but cant look at our photos? I re-read our old conversations. You were a fast responder back then when you were still trying to win me. And I fell for that. I let you in. I welcome you in. Oh but wait, I have deleted them all now. I have nothing left from what used to be “us” and “ours”. Nothing. I have to delete them. Because it’s too painful for me to read the messages from the last few weeks, when you treated me like garbage.  What do I do when I missed you but

When things end

  It really hurts when things end. Our hearts were not designed to cope with loss easily, because the nature of the heart is to possess. To own things. To have things. While in reality, nothing in this world belongs to us. That is why Islam came with certain rules, with only one lesson: detachment.  Pray five times a day? To detach from worldly life's routine. You're in meeting and your brain is occupied with presentation, results, and analysis, but then you have to stop, get up from your chair, wash some parts of your body, and pray. Fasting? To detach from desire; food, bad languages, vain speeches, you name it. Zakat? To detach from your money, from things that we taught is our own. Hajj? You leave everything behind to live in a tent under the sky. You leave the job, the family, the kids, the houses, the cars, the vehicles, everything.  It is all form of detachment, because worldly thing to possess is only cause us pain. Who wants pain? We all wanna be happy, right? We keep

Still the same Sun

  I drive with a beautiful sunset this afternoon. The exact same Sun that I used to watch every month, 3 years ago when I was still constantly going back to grandma's for the sake of my grand father. I still remember by heart the beauty of it's shape, and the soft colour as its slowly hiding behind those buildings.. The mystical view of afternoon one could witness but never to captured.  The Sun is slowly hiding behind the towers, and buildings, and clouds. Thick grey clouds that is not romantic at all. It is air pollution, for sure. As this city is one of the most polluted cities in the world. But the view still magical to watch at least to soften your eyes after a long long drive. Oh I still remember how I wished to share this view with a guy five years ago, only to know that he is not that into me. I still remember another heartbreak when I passed that view while in a call with another guy who turns out to be something he's not. One failed attempt to another, why can'