2024

 


April.

2024 is only 4 months, but I have let go of two things I thought will be mine forever.


Letting go seems to be my constant lesson since 2016 and yet I still failing on the tests.

It has to be Allah at the center of my heart, instead, I put him, I put my sisters, I put basically everyone but Him. 


Let this note be a reminder for me, that I am on my own since now and forever and that won't change. Not even IF (and only IF) I'm married. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Something to Look Forward to

 My life was is great.  At least when I was in my early to mid twenties. Although, at the same time, I was experiencing the first and the biggest heart break of my life, because I broke up with my fiance. We were together for five years and a half, and in the middle of planning a wedding. I was devastated, but not too much. Because during those years, I always have something to look forward to.  I spent the first year of my career exploring Kalimantan and Sumatera. I visited over a hundred villages in remote area. Even those which are not covered by common transportation, and requires all kind of transportation: air, ground, and water.  Life was a constant planning of one field visit to another, or one event after another. I am planning my day to day basis to those goals only.  “Oh I have field visit to North Kalimantan next week, so starting today, my life is heading to that week. I prepare my house to be left alone for a week or two because of that visit…” and so on so forth. I didn
Read more

I wish this is my last try

 I have a long list of reasons why I should leave you, but I didn't. I beg myself, please let this be your last try, and yet I keep trying again and again.  For the apologies I never received, for all the wishes of it to be sweet again like in the beginning.. You used to call me princess, and I used to believe that.  I throw all my dignity away, I throw my ego for the sake of making things work. I want to make things work. For once I want something last and not to throw it once it gets hard.  But you keep threatening me of leaving and I keep making a way for you to stay. I want to let you go now, but I want you to know the damage you have caused me. I want you to know how hurt it is to stay for you. It is selfish for broken people to spread away their brokenness.. you found me as a happy girl,  only to be left as a woman who deactivate her account.  I wish I could die right now. I wish I could die and never met you anymore. You hurt me.
Read more

144 Hours without Instagram

  For the very first time in my life, I uninstalled instagram. The apps that have been coloring my days since eleven years ago, is now gone. Not completely, but still gone. I thought I can only stand 3 days without it, but here I managed to survive for 6 good days. But I just cried. This evening, after coming back from the mall. Meeting the Finance Director of my ex company, hearing all her thoughts about the drama that I know so well.. I didn’t do anything with her, I was just sit, listen, and understand. But eventually, that is all she needs. We part ways, I went straight home — make one stop to buy my favorite favorite fruit — and continue home. No picture, no posts, nothing. Oh yeah, I cried once I entered the house. Because it feels so.. empty. The house, the same house I have lived for nearly 6 years now.. feels emptier than ever.  Do I miss instagram? — NO Do I miss posting my stories? — NO. But I miss someone I used to talk to in instagram. I miss his laugh and his weird noise.
Read more