Still the same Sun

 

I drive with a beautiful sunset this afternoon. The exact same Sun that I used to watch every month, 3 years ago when I was still constantly going back to grandma's for the sake of my grand father. I still remember by heart the beauty of it's shape, and the soft colour as its slowly hiding behind those buildings.. The mystical view of afternoon one could witness but never to captured. 

The Sun is slowly hiding behind the towers, and buildings, and clouds. Thick grey clouds that is not romantic at all. It is air pollution, for sure. As this city is one of the most polluted cities in the world. But the view still magical to watch at least to soften your eyes after a long long drive.

Oh I still remember how I wished to share this view with a guy five years ago, only to know that he is not that into me. I still remember another heartbreak when I passed that view while in a call with another guy who turns out to be something he's not. One failed attempt to another, why can't I just give up?

I don't wanna give up.

At least that's what I keep telling my self.

Why give up?

9 hours drive today and I filled my ears and lungs with music. Happy songs, sad songs, weird songs, all kind of songs. I know music is bad for the brain, as it interferes with everything inside; our mood, our memory, our emotions.. I kind of feeling happy and nostalgic when suddenly a song that's been playing in my head uninvited suddenly comes up of the list; 

forgetting, all the hurt inside you've learned to hide so well.

Pretending, someone else can come to save me from my self.

I can't be who you are... 

-Leave out all the rest - Linkin Park-

but that happy feeling suddenly turns blue when I remember how the singer died tragically. Pretending, someone else can come to save me from my self.. all those fames, he could save lives but not him self.

I still wish to share the view. As the Sun snuck in behind the shadow of the buildings, I remember a scene of a batman movie. Jakarta might not be that creepy, but can't it be like Gotham city one day? Idk.

The orange sky slowly turns darker and darker. I was almost done with the highway, wait patiently in the line to exit toll gate. And guess who is the smartest at chosing the slowest lane? Yeah.. ME!

Another unexpected song started to play, grabbing my mind back to where I was.

I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easily I'm here to stay and make the difference that I can make. Our differences they do a lot to teach us how to used the tools and gifts we got a lot at stake. And in the end you're still my friend at least we did intend for us to work we didn't break, we didn't burn. We had to learn, how to bend, without the world, caving in, I had to learn, what I got, and what I'm not and who I am.

-I won't give up, Jason Mraz-

And my mind stuck with you.

***

Bogor, 17 July 2023, 02.48 am

Wishing for a road trip.