Minimalist Indonesia

You grew up with your father's anger and your mother's insecurity. You absorb their frustrations and their rage. Then you question yourself, why you have boiling rage in your body? Where does this came from? Why even a small matter hurts you too much? If only your father knew that you are fighting so hard to cut his anger pattern in you. If only your mother knew you are growing your mind not to be like her. You dictate your self-worth, you train your mind to believe that you deserve love, and as simple as it is, it's not an easy job. Especially when you don't have parents who support you. I am not teaching you to blame your parents for all the things that goes wrong in your life. I am teaching you to take the responsibilities in becoming your self, your own better self. They have their portion of fault, and so do you. But we need to focus on what we can control. They are them, and nothing to change about it especially if they don't have the conscious mind to accept ...

  Time Mystical time Cutting me open, then healing me fine Were there clues I didn't see? And isn't it just so pretty to think All along there was some Invisible string Tying you to me? -Invisible String, Taylor Swift- * I know this is messed up, I am trying to learn Quran, but still cant detach to some songs. Especially this one, the lyric caught my heart deep. * A string that pulled me Out of all the wrong arms right into that dive bar Something wrapped all of my past mistakes in barbed wire Chains around my demons Wool to brave the seasons One single thread of gold tied me to you * I finally see a purple pink sky again, today. It's been so long, too long even. My last record that I keep in instagram highlight was from 2021, on the first day of work in Bali and I was on my way back to my rented room.  * Cold was the steel of my axe to grind for the boys who broke my heart Now I send their babies presents Gold was the color of the leaves when I showed you around Centennial...

  This city and I have a complicated relationship. 2016 We made a core memory together since 2016, back when I was just starting a life as an adult, having my first job, my salary, and still have friends around. Some of my friends from high school were on their master degree when I was already a corporate girl. So I had a time when I thought I was advanced, only to be left alone because they’re all got married gradually from 2018 to 2021. But at least, during the course of 2016 to 2017, they were there for me, always catch me when I broke my heart. Because that year.. 2016, was the year I had a wedding canceled. 2021 I just back from Bali. Trying to start a new life by living there but only lasted for 3 months. Its too effing lonely out there. Bali is not for a solo-hijabi long term stay. First thing I found when I arrived at my house was my baby sister. She just started her high school and it was her first semester break. Without thinking twice, I bought us a ticket to this city a...

  Have you ever felt angry, your breath is short and your heart beats fast? If no, then be grateful.  If yes, here, I have something for you. Because I know how it feels.  It was when my childhood wound got triggered, but I didn't know it then. Only later when I was assisted by my bestfriend who is also a psychologist that I learned, apparently, certain behaviour from others could trigger the wounds in me. And the fact that I feel so angry over small problem, indicates the wound is still there, remain unhealed.  The feeling sucks, isn't it? Shallow breath, heartbeat fast, the crowded brain, filled with unanswered questions and sometimes tears just fall from your eyes no matter how strong you've hold it. I know. It sucks. That is the ugliest feeling I have ever had. For some, including me, it comes with shaky hands or shaky bodies and throw up. Which apparently, is a form of panic attack.  Although this is normal, that as human we have childhood wound, unhealed a...

  I just had a failed attempt in an interview recently. When I received the rejection email, my first thought was " Allah must have had something better, Alhamdulillah".. which is strange, because I would normally shattered and disappointed and gloomy for days. Because this new job was not something that I asked for, but it came my way and suddenly I have hope to get it. But I am grateful that this happened after Umrah, and this is what I want to share here today. It was January when I found the ad to this recruitment. I was not looking for a new job, but because the organisation that posted it is the organisation that I've been looking up for and somehow one of my big goal is to be part of their team, so I pay attention to the ad. The description described my skill perfectly, except for one. But, I applied anyway, knowing that every job poster must be looking for a perfect candidate, but in the end they will make adjustment. After sending my resume, I received nothing fr...

  Kalau dipikir-pikir, terhadap hal-hal besar yang sifatnya sangat anugerah, Allah selalu kasih tanpa ku minta. Dengan mudah, dengan mulus, tanpa cela.  Tapi untuk satu saja hal sederhana, yang itu nyaris semua orang miliki, dan selalu ku pinta sejak lama sampai sekarang belum juga Allah kabulkan. Aku tetap yakin pasti akan Allah kabulkan. Tapi aku ingin mengerti apa rahasia dibalik semua ini? Ya Allah, mudahkanlah pemahamanku dalam memahami kebijaksanaan-Mu. Bogor,  14 April 2025

  The main point of du'a is to get closer with Allah. Yet, sometimes we make du'a to get what we want in life, to get the dunya be under our feet. To get the degree, to be graduated, to get married, to get the job, to get the kids.. Maybe the reason why Allah delayed the du'a is so we can detach our heart from those things first. Because the attachment could ruin us. Once Allah gave us what we've been asking for, there is no going back. Our life will be filled with everything that we have asked, and one day, it could all gone because nothing permanent in this world. So to prevent us from breaking, Allah wants us to detach, He makes us making du'a every night to know the sweetness of being close to Him, to be alone with Him. He teaches us the ultimate goal in life, and it is about just us and Him alone. He will grant us those things, very easily, but first, He want us to have the right attitude. From this day forward, make tahajjud not only because you want to get th...

  I plan to pack my luggage one week before the trip because I was that excited. But work has caught me so crazily to the point that I barely leave my desk for the total 8 hours in the daylight. I couldn't pack at night too, because I'd be busy with iftar and taraweeh and get tired after that. So, today, Saturday, March 15th 2025, I start packing and boy it's an overwhelming thing. I travel a lot.. like it's in my monthly schedule to visit an airport. But I've never been this overwhelm for packing before. As it turns out, pack a casual tshirt and jeans are way easier than packing abayas and khimars. These large-fabric-clothings are not easy to fold, and the thickness of one abaya is equal to three set of my work outfit. I gave up at 19.40 with my luggage is only halfway packed. I will only bring 9 abayas for a 17days trip, and I will make du'a so Allah make it sufficient for me during the trip.  I was never been this overwhelmed before because I could always acc...

  Hi, it's been months How have you been? How's life since we stopped talking? I won't lie, I miss you But I know missing you isn't enough of a reason to reach out again I really hope life is treating you well I would be so happy if you truly happy now Not hearing from you has brought me some peace, but honestly even though we're not in touch, you're still in my heart and my du'a every night I still think about you all the time, You're always on my mind, and in my heart part of me wonders if you still do though I'm not sure, but I secretly hope you do I revisit our old messages, I know I shouldn't. But they remind me of how happy we were, I still have your pictures It's the only way I can see your smile now I don't know if things ever work out in my favor, but I know things always work out in Allah's favor. And that is the best of the best situation that could ever be.  I miss you. --- (Found it on tiktok, and I kinda like it).

To those of you who still in the middle of healing journey, I know that this path is not linear. There will be rebound, sometimes you feel okay, sometimes you feel broken. If the one causing the wound is an ex boyfriend or girlfriend, sometimes the thought of them soothe you, but other times it breaks you.  But as a muslim, we ask Allah at least 17 times a day to keep us on the straight path.. so does it mean healing is not the path to Allah, because it is not linear? Humans are all made of emotions, some are just good at hiding it, some are being the slave of it, and only a few can control it.  Being in the healing journey which sometimes break your tears in the middle of work doesn't mean you are not in the path of Allah. The beauty of this religion lies within the heart. Intention sets the tone of our outcome.. if suddenly now you feel sad because you miss that toxic ex who told you his ex girlfriend cheated on him while he was the one causing it, then cry. You can cry but ...

There are many aspects of health that we started to pay attention when we are about to perform Umrah, and for me, this is the most exciting part. Starting from maintaining our body movement. Since I made the decision in December, I have even more motivation to go to the gym. One hour threadmill isn't so boring anymore because I am imagining as if I was walking around the ka'ba. I think this is crucial especially for those who work 9to5 sitting down in the office, our body needs to have a 3 months of warming up before actually doing the thawaf and sa'i. The second is general medical check up. I am grateful that Allah provided me with a free medical check up via the office, so I have no issue in this. If you want, there are some Islamic hospitals that provides general medical checkup for only 750.000 rupiah or in Prodia for 1.500.000 rupiah. But normally people take this option for hajj because of the longer time and more people.  The third is preparing your own personal medi...

  I heard people say that those who go for Umrah or Hajj, are because they are being invited by Allah that's why they are also called "the guests of Allah". I think that's true because just because you have the money, doesn't mean you have another resources to do Umrah or Hajj, and time is one of the main resources. Many of us need to work 9to5 for the rest of their life. Time is not theirs, but belongs to the corporate who hire them. This is so unfortunate, and I pray that everyone of us could have the freedom to choose what we want to do with our time, including me.  But speaking of time, I think 2025 is an exquisite year. The 1st of January is equal to the 1st of Rajab. The 1st of Ramadan will be on the same day with 1st of March (Insya Allah). And the Nisfu Sya'ban (15th of Sya'ban) is on FRIDAY. How I love Friday..  Time is what we need to have before we go for Umrah or Hajj. For me, I am blessed because I have the privilege to work under flexible wor...

What to prepare for Umrah? I think the most basic thing is to understand how to perform Umrah, perfecting our shalah and the sunnahs, perfecting our wudhu, and maintain our heart. Other than that, you can have many people giving tips on video on how to pack, what to bring, where to go, and what to do in the haramain. But I just want to add one thing, which is to learn and understand in deep the seerah of the Prophet and as much as the background cause ( asbabun nuzul ) of an ayah or surah. Why? Because the place that you are about to visit is the same place of where the Quran was sent down, to the best of human being ever created (Peace be upon him). My favorite thing about going places is to understand the historical story of the place. I've done it in multiple places, but only at the age of (almost) 33 I finally realised I haven't done this to the core of my religion: The Quran.  We will about to visit the same land where the Prophet (PBUH) was born, raised, grow up, do the s...

  It still feel surreal for me that I have decided to go for umrah. It's not like I'm becoming more religious, but things are just playing differently in my head now.  The past two years was an emotional rollercoaster. I never knew that life lessons could be so painfully unbearable if we face it with empty heart. I stopped writing -meaningful things, at least- and was just too busy dealing with emotions. But Alhamdulillah, it was all for the best. Allah's scenario is always the best. I was learning to recognize my inner wound, embrace it, and heal it. Now I know what it looks like to be a person carrying emotional wound from childhood, which they fail to address and it creates generational trauma. I am grateful that I had a chance to cut my chain before I pass it down to my future children. Although the process was not easy, and I was this close to being crazy. Long story short, to conclude these lessons, I decided to do Umrah for the first time. This decision was made on D...