Ismuhu Ahmed

 

May 25th, 2026.


I'll always grateful that I met him in my early thirties. We grow together as we embrace the new decade of our life, and to me, gained the biggest life lessons I've ever had.

Our season may have ended again, but that's fine. Because it leads me to a new realisation that; as it turns out, after all the umrah, the repentance, the strike fasting of Dzulhijjah I had last year, I still have same situation again in the next year. Same person, same issue, same mistake.

But not everything is the same.

He came back, only to helped me realise that something in me has changed.

My situation is the same, but the way I responded to it, is completely different.


I've been making the same du'a for years and yet nothing changed. Only now I can see why.


For the last ten years, I kept making du'a out of desperation. Out of misery. Busy seeing my self as the victim of an abandoned child. The du'as were always targetted to patch the hole in my life. I was too focus on what I didn't have. Yet I forgot to take the time to appreciate what I already have.


Since the day we stopped talking, I look around at my surrounding. My house is messy. My kitchen dirty. My garage, unattended. I had a plan to escape the house. Living in a dormitory house by the beach far in Banyuwangi, only to question my self "why".


Then I decided to do syukr. 

To appreciate what I already have, by tidying some parts of the house, bit by bit. I scrub the stove at 10 pm. I declutter my desk at 11pm. Most of the work done in the pm because that is the most crowded time in my head.

Few days later, I feel new. I feel fresh. I feel like this is how live should have been. 

I started to look at things that I still have, despite phone not ring anymore. Everytime a bad thought starts to creep in, I praise Allah and admit the vastness of His Kingdom. 

Of course I am still waiting for the phone to ring, but not out of self pitty. I'm sure if he is the one for me, he will come back to me no matter what. Allah will bring him in the best version of himself to the best version of mine. But if not, then this silence is his exit which means he is a jerk. And I don't wanna live with a jerk.


I am sure that Allah wants to build a foundation for me. To live the kind of life that doesn't revolve around people. Because the idea is to build a life that doesn't collapse if anyone leaves.


I am grateful to ever know him in this short life. No matter how painful it was, I could never hate him (yet). Because the lessons that he brings, beat the 5,5 years relationship I had before. Some people may come not to stay forever, but only enough to matter.


:)

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