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I still remember


 

I still remember the heat as we landed on the airport. The crowded small room where people from different land in and out of that small town. I still remember the heat.. as if the Sun is just above our head. I remember that day I asked you a question.. 'why the clouds here or anywhere in this Island, seems closer than the clouds in Bogor?' and you follow my direction, staring at the sky, after a while you say.. 'I don't know. But I'll find the answer someday,' in your slow and soft voice. I didn't say anything after that, just capturing that moment in my head, while silently staring at the Sky. 


I still remember this trip.. one that I beg to be included. My ex was just married, and right after that news emerged, you called me and ask me nonsense. Something we both laughed at over the phone. I don't know if you knew, I was almost in tear that time,, until I heard your voice and everything seems to be just okay after we hang up. 


I still remember the cold-cold water as I get into the shower an hour before our car picked us up. Pak Doding, Pak Remi, I miss those old men now. I remember the heavy eyes, only four to five hours of sleep a day and we call it normal. "what's not tiring about working. Namanya kerja pasti capek" you said as we were on stage, after we gave a formal speech about our findings. 


If you only knew.. I stopped doing all that because I don't want to see you again. I don't want to share the same car seat, right beside you and our skin touches as the bumpy road begin to shake my head. I don't want to hear your old favorite song, in which right now when I hear them the only person I can picture in my head is.. you. I don't want all that memories to haunt me until I'm old. I just wanna stop, and I stopped.


I took it even further now, I move to a new island, switching jobs, and reinventing my self. Except lately, I have to make some space in my computer. It's been filled with our old memories which I should delete. But deleting means revisiting. So I revisit each photos and videos you ever sent me.. you were the only person who take me so seriously. You captured videos you knew I could use, and I did. And I was so happy that time, knowing that you recognizes my hard work. If only you knew, my only motivation doing so well at work, is because I wanted to impress you.. but somehow, maybe I was wrong.


Then I learned that I don't need to impress a man I like. He will know what he has if he shares the same feeling as mine, and clearly you don't. So I stopped. And I move. I change direction, to make it impossible for our path to ever cross again. 


There are days when I'm grateful with this decision, because this is how it supposed to be. But there are nights.. when I can't think of anything but you.. again, the only thing I could do is sending this message in a bottle, throwing it to the ocean, risking anything that maybe you read it and you chose to ignore it.


I don't know why I wrote this in the middle of the day, sacrificing my lunch hour. I hope you well, wherever you are.

***

Sanur, 1 November 2021

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