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Tuhan, aku takut..

 



Who aren’t scared of change?

It is scary. Unusual. Strange. We don’t like change. That’s not how we designed, we were designed to remain the same and it requires power and strength to adapt. That’s why the weak dies, and only the powerful can embrace change. Are we strong enough to face one?


They say you only one decision away to a new life. You said that too, that you want to start over, a fresh start. Now when the universe open a door to you, you freak out. Why?


Maybe it’s because.. after all these years you’ve spent on the road.. jump from one town to another in the name of good education, you finally find (or build) a place you called home. Maybe because the process wasn’t easy and the result gives you beyond comfort and satisfaction, it brings you the elegance in life that make it hard to leave. But you won’t go anywhere unless you embrace this fear.


I remember right before pandemic, I took my self on a journey. The intention was simple; to cast away a rotten feeling. After five days of uncertainty, I finally isolate my self in the small, remote island of Indonesia: Raijua..

I thought.. after a heavy storm, near death experience, trapped in the island without any guarantee I could make it on time to my flight schedule.. I thought I will never have this fear again. I learned how to depend on My Master, and yet that training wasn’t enough.


This is the part where I realised I need someone too. A person can have their God supporting them, but a support from another human-being is also necessary. You can’t go far without it.


One day, this note will remind me again. That whatever we’ve been through in life, we will always meet an intersection. We have to make big decision, and there’s a little bit of fear in every one of it. Take it or leave it, both come with consequences, also scarry. So.. we’re not really free from our own fear. Until we die.


***

Bogor, September 11th 2021

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