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A day in the life of a kost-an girl


I woke up late. Nine am and the kost was empty.. weirdly quiet. I decided to do nothing today. Not responding to any texts until after mid-day. I feel like I've been avoiding loneliness since I got here three days ago, so maybe now is the time to actually face it. Because I've known loneliness my whole life, I know she won't get away until I fully embraced it. So I did..

I ordered a simple meal for breakfast and lunch.. brought by a humble-beautiful Balinese woman, who keeps saying that she doesn't actually sell food.. she sells grocery, but she made an exception for my request.

I tried to watch television while eating, only a few minutes before I turned it off. Too loud, I couldn't stand the noise. After a long-peaceful shower, I change my navy pajamas into the red one, and have a little chit-chat with the neighbor. My neighbor is very kind, young woman with her baby girl to whom I borrow her broom everyday. 

I actually could do something productive today, like finishing my post-event form, sending some emails to the organisation who has been supervising my event, or at least draft my farewell email. But again, I decided to not do anything today.. I just wanna let time slip by this time.. and see how I feel.

Analysing my own emotions is one of my main mission right now, to try something new, or to do something I always do, and kinda see how I actually feel about this. Doing nothing was my best escape since years ago, but this time I did it far away from home, alone in a strange land, knowing that I have no close relatives around. It was a very lonely morning, so I turn my laptop on and watch netflix. One episodes to another, a series and then a movie.. only have a quick talk with my parents, brother and sisters before I took a nap -fell asleep during Money Heist,. I really can't stand watching while reading subtitles-

When the night comes, I closed the window, shut the curtains, and the feeling gets worse. I never felt this alone before.. I watched rom-com, and cry in the middle of its fighting scene, about two best-friends' wedding. I miss my best-friends. I miss them so much, I couldn't get them on the phone because I have nothing to talk about. I just realised now I live behind the hotel where me and my girls stayed three years ago. One of us was getting married, the other was getting engage, and then there was me, cheering for both of them. Three years later, they have their amazing kids, and I move to this city, accidentally stay behind that hotel. 

Sad, eh?

Don't worry, I'll get over it once I have my busy life back.

But do I want my busy life back?

There are so many things I thought I knew, now's been wiped away to a black holes of uncertainty inside my head. I have questioned my self since the wrong choice I made, and I don't trust my self to make a decision for me again. Maybe I'll hire somebody to do that for me. Do you think you're a good fit? Call me!

So now, thirty minutes before my bedtime. I still under my blanket, wearing a pair of pink socks in my bright-red pajamas. I am trapped between enjoying this different kind of solitude and wanting to go home. I haven't been so religious lately, I just do my basic prayers, not the extra ones, only pray when I got scared, and only do little of it at the after-pray. I hope My Master won't get mad at me.. after He gave me all these.. after He turns my reality as how I always wished it to be.. and I got distant instead.. such a ungrateful b**ch I am....

One thing I also scared of being in this city alone, is that it will lure my old-self back. The ones that got away.. the ones that knows no boundaries.. the ones that I'm not proud of.

I've been questioning my self for quite a few months now, to the point that I am surprised with my old writings here in this blog. Damn girl, you thought about that? Waw..


Bali, 25 September 2021


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Back to my nir-faedah kinda post.

I was on page 184 when a good friend of mine texted and she suddenly poured her mental state. I was frozen for a moment before picking up my self and texted her back with some rational-encouraging words that I wish could help. This is a tough time for us, especially her, with all burden on her shoulder and the recent loss that we've experienced. It's not easy and never getting any easier, so we just have to face it now, embrace the fact that she's gone and feel the stings for a couple years. I finished two books today, one that I read from weeks ago, and one that I just read and not really have much information that I need. When I decided to go on the third book, only when I was halfway distractions started to come. Alright, I put my book aside and try to attend to the only thing I should attend: life. It's been a week since I shut myself in the house. Not going outside, let alone spoke to another human being. I feel weird doing that especially when I used to talk

About being a strong woman.,

My product(s) are a means to show people that we could and should be happy in wherever we are, in whatever the circumstances. As a single person battling with all the worryness of who am I gonna end up with while dealing with work and life, I must admit that I am strong enough to do it all alone. Including being obedient to difficult father and grandfather. I am strong. But at the end of the day, when I got home after a very long Sunday and clean my self with cold water.. I still wish that I have somebody in this house... to open the hair serum for me. :( Kenceng banget 15 menit nyoba buka tutupnya gabisa2