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Fear of Rejection

 



I understand now why it's hard for me to start or keep a relationship. Because every time things are hard with me, my parents' decision is to either leave me or put me away from home. I know abandon is a harsh word, but it felt like one. They'd rather move out than have a tough conversation with me. They never asked why I behave a certain way, let alone asked what I want.


That's how I develop a fear. Fear of rejection. Fear that if I'm acting out, people I care, will go and leave me. I was so scared for another rejection, so I try hard on my last relationship, keeping it floating for five years and a half. I remember he was using this as a threat "if you're not gonna change, I will leave you," and then I started to change my bad behaviour, being a good girl for him, and it only lasted for two months before I entirely gave up and slowly see my worth. Since then, I learn to open the door to everyone who is leaving me.


Now that I'm in my healing journey, shamelessly put it in the internet, I know that I have to work on this one. But how..


An old friend of mine was visiting me this afternoon and I really like how this marriage going on between her and her husband. They're so unique, you know. My friend came from Gorontalo and her husband is a Javanese born and raised in Bogor. But the way they talk to each other, they use Gorontalo accent, even I can't tell if the husband is originally came from Gorontalo or just mimicking the accent. It was so real, too real that I feel so comfortable around those two using my most missed accent.


Anyway,

My take from them and the correlation with my current healing is.. you need other people in this healing journey. You can't do it alone. Either professional or just a friend coming to visit, you can't let yourself drawn into that dark past. Or at least that's how I managed to find out the reason behind my fear of rejection.


I don't wanna blame my parents too much, because they did what they did and this is how it supposed to be. I just want to remind my self, also other people out there who are lucky enough to read my posts, that being a parent is a huge deal. You print an entire life of a human-being, and you are responsible for all the mess or destruction they may cause. Raline Shah (My Queen) once said, don't be a parents if you don't know yet what you want, there are so many beautiful lives out there need to be saved. Don't bring another human being in this world before you know how to handle your own world. 


Because once you raised a broken child and they have to take a journey like this, it tortures them. The second I bring back certain bit of memory (which the psychologist told me to), I cry immediately. Heart beats fast, and I just can't talk to her (child version of me), which I supposed to. I supposed to talk her, be the parents she needs, and tell her that it's okay to feel the certain feeling because you're gonna be okay. 


This is too hard. I have been doing this for two days now, and already feel like quitting.


And this is the reason, why I'm being hard on my self when it comes to relationship. I just don't want to risk being left alone, when things get hard with me.

***

Bogor, 4 July 2021

I love you, Mima. 

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