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What solitude has taught me.. (part kesekian whatever)

 



There was time when I need everyone.

I needed my mom to hear my stories as I came home during high school break, but she was too busy with my baby sisters so she barely see the boxes I brought home filled with stuff which I was thrilled to show.

I needed my father to teach me how to drive, but he couldn't help his anxious mind and yelled at me way too much.. more yelling than teaching, so I decided to learn to live without his help at all.

I needed my boyfriend to be there for me, until I realised what we had wasn't love at all.

I needed to be around my friends so I can feel less alone, that I have to commute for two hours back and forth after office just to do some karaoke night.


I used to need everyone, until I learned that even if they love me, I still have to put my shit together on my own. I have to learn to be just with my self. As I grow up as an independent, brave, resilient woman, I started to not needing anyone. That feeling is liberating, but also scary at the same time.


Being alone is somehow addicting. It felt overwhelming at first, but once you get used to it, you won't be needing anyone, in a way that you still able to socialise really well but you have detach your self from all kind of expectation about human-interactions. 


Now I realised that our life can change in an instant. It could take just one moment, one night, or maybe just one conversation to alter your life and turn it all upside down. So I value the moment I can spent alone, because I know nothing is permanent. While doing this solitude thing, it is better for you and me to learn how to handle ourselves. We need to know how we address our anger at work, how to separate emotions from work and not bring it home (even when you work from home), not to let our family get involved way too much in whatever we're doing for a living. It is important to learn how to be professional, inside and outside careers area.


I finally get to spend time alone today. I refuse to visit grandma this weekend, even if there's a public holiday in Tuesday. I admitted loudly that I am exhausted driving back and forth, and I need time to prepare myself for serving my responsibility. It's responsibility that woke me lately. I know now if I want more, that would be mean I will have more responsibility on things I don't have right now.


Being alone after a series of family event is weird. But that's the juicy part of life; the weirdness sense of unexplainable feeling. 


***

Bogor, 1 June 2021

I started to like being adult. Where I keep things for my self, walau rasanya pingin makan orang.

 

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