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Papa Gode & Eyang


The typical Father and Son, one with ego one with pride. My Grandfather is a Javanese who happened to spent half of his life in Sunda Land, met a woman, fell in love, got married, and turn to be a Sundanese himself. Somehow he still put Javanese identity to his children, named his sons with very Javanese names, and made me called his eldest Son with Papa Gode instead of just Uwak (Sundanese title for 'uncle'). Papa Gode means he is the eldest as short of Pak'De (Javanese title for 'uncle') but I don't think this title is common.. probably I could say we're the only family in this country referring to the eldest uncle as Papa Gode. The other meaning of it is.. Big Papa or Fat Papa. 

I barely know him, unless for a few car rides I gave him last year after we celebrate Eid. I gave him a ride until Cibubur, and only till the exit toll gate before I turned around and continue home. (The second time was the one I regret the most, I was very certain that I'll regret that decision at that very moment, but I can't help it.. I can only gave him a ride until the nearest bus stop, and let him ride a bus alone.. when he was just recovered from hospital. My God.. I'm in tears writing this by now).

"What's with the song?" he asked in our first car ride together..

"Oh.. nothing."

"Why is it so sad?" he asked, and I immediately understand where this question is going. So I laugh.. laugh so hard I didn't even fake it,

"No.. this is just youtube mix picking songs for me. Their algorithm, you know. I can change it if you want.." And we ride while singing to those songs in an empty clear toll road.. with the sun sets beside us, up above my very favourite highway road: Tol Cakalang. I like and I preferred to call it that way forever. 


"His breath was stopping for 5 minutes, Kak. But now he is back to his 'normal' condition. Still unconscious.. it's been weeks now" my aunt text me this morning, first she's asking for skincare, and then talked about him. I didn't have any courage to ask how is Eyang, even.. I don't wanna know, because it won't change anything if I know. 

I haven't got the chance to see Papa Gode in the hospital. It's been weeks.. Gatot Subroto.. ICU.. I have terrible memory there. That's where grandma made me decided my wedding date 6 years ago, which I agreed without thinking twice, because all I wanted was to make them happy even when I'm not sure was that the thing that I want.. marriage.

I know there's only a slight chance of survival in ICU.. only a few percent survive that terrible phase, and Papa Gode's condition is.. well.. I can't say it right now. I really wanna go see him. But I'm scared of way too many things. Besides.. going there all alone, wouldn't do any good. They will be worried a lot about me. So I just send them my best prayers.. the best that I could.. the same one with what I prayed for Yayuk..

It's almost a year by the way since she left.. God, there's too much sadness in this post.


I would like to remember this day, as the day I'm worried about my uncle and make no effort in visiting him. So one day, I will understand if my nephew, or even my children, are not visiting me in the hospital where I'm at.. I will totally understand and not at all pissed about it. 


I hope.. Eyang and Papa Gode somehow find a way to communicate with each other.. maybe soul to soul, even if their miles apart, in their own bed, barely breathe, let alone eat.. maybe they find their way to reconcile,. to bring back those childhood memories when he was the only son he had, his first born.. his first hope. Even when things didn't work out for Papa Gode, and Eyang -a tough father he is- has a great deal of disappointment on him.. even that.. they can finally find their way to each other before death happen. (God I cry too much today).

I'm scared. I'm so so scared. twenty eight years of my life I never experienced any lost of my family member. Only one, in Manado but we weren't close, she's my Christian Cousin and we were only met a couple times. I never experienced any death of anyone close to me by blood. And I still remember the pain and grieve I had when Yayuk gone.. she is my friend and we haven't met for years, but the pain is unbearable. I can revisit the emotion and I don't know how it will feel if one of them.. or even.. maybe.. both.. of them...

I can't

I'm scared. I'm too scared.

I don't know what to do. I always know what to do. But now I don't.


Bogor, 4-3-21.

Please don't go.. please.. stay.. I want my full family there.. I want you all witness me there.. please.


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