Skip to main content

Papa Gode & Eyang

 




The typical Father and Son, one with ego one with pride. My Grandfather is a Javanese who happened to spent half of his life in Sunda Land, met a woman, fell in love, got married, and turn to be a Sundanese himself. Somehow he still put Javanese identity to his children, named his sons with very Javanese names, and made me called his eldest Son with Papa Gode instead of just Uwak (Sundanese title for 'uncle'). Papa Gode means he is the eldest as short of Pak'De (Javanese title for 'uncle') but I don't think this title is common.. probably I could say we're the only family in this country referring to the eldest uncle as Papa Gode. The other meaning of it is.. Big Papa or Fat Papa. 


I barely know him, unless for a few car rides I gave him last year after we celebrate Eid. I gave him a ride until Cibubur, and only till the exit toll gate before I turned around and continue home. (The second time was the one I regret the most, I was very certain that I'll regret that decision at that very moment, but I can't help it.. I can only gave him a ride until the nearest bus stop, and let him ride a bus alone.. when he was just recovered from hospital. My God.. I'm in tears writing this by now).


"What's with the song?" he asked in our first car ride together..

"Oh.. nothing."

"Why is it so sad?" he asked, and I immediately understand where this question is going. So I laugh.. laugh so hard I didn't even fake it,

"No.. this is just youtube mix picking songs for me. Their algorithm, you know. I can change it if you want.." And we ride while singing to those songs in an empty clear toll road.. with the sun sets beside us, up above my very favourite highway road: Tol Cakalang. I like and I preferred to call it that way forever. 


***

"His breath was stopping for 5 minutes, Kak. But now he is back to his 'normal' condition. Still unconscious.. it's been weeks now" my aunt text me this morning, first she's asking for skincare, and then talked about him. I didn't have any courage to ask how is Eyang, even.. I don't wanna know, because it won't change anything if I know. 


I haven't got the chance to see Papa Gode in the hospital. It's been weeks.. Gatot Subroto.. ICU.. I have terrible memory there. That's where grandma made me decided my wedding date 6 years ago, which I agreed without thinking twice, because all I wanted was to make them happy even when I'm not sure was that the thing that I want.. marriage.


I know there's only a slight chance of survival in ICU.. only a few percent survive that terrible phase, and Papa Gode's condition is.. well.. I can't say it right now. I really wanna go see him. But I'm scared of way too many things. Besides.. going there all alone, wouldn't do any good. They will be worried a lot about me. So I just send them my best prayers.. the best that I could.. the same one with what I prayed for Yayuk..


It's almost a year by the way since she left.. God, there's too much sadness in this post.


***

I would like to remember this day, as the day I'm worried about my uncle and make no effort in visiting him. So one day, I will understand if my nephew, or even my children, are not visiting me in the hospital where I'm at.. I will totally understand and not at all pissed about it. 

***


I hope.. Eyang and Papa Gode somehow find a way to communicate with each other.. maybe soul to soul, even if their miles apart, in their own bed, barely breathe, let alone eat.. maybe they find their way to reconcile,. to bring back those childhood memories when he was the only son he had, his first born.. his first hope. Even when things didn't work out for Papa Gode, and Eyang -a tough father he is- has a great deal of disappointment on him.. even that.. they can finally find their way to each other before death happen. (God I cry too much today).


I'm scared. I'm so so scared. twenty eight years of my life I never experienced any lost of my family member. Only one, in Manado but we weren't close, she's my Christian Cousin and we were only met a couple times. I never experienced any death of anyone close to me by blood. And I still remember the pain and grieve I had when Yayuk gone.. she is my friend and we haven't met for years, but the pain is unbearable. I can revisit the emotion and I don't know how it will feel if one of them.. or even.. maybe.. both.. of them...


I can't

I'm scared. I'm too scared.


I don't know what to do. I always know what to do. But now I don't.

***

Bogor, 4-3-21.

Please don't go.. please.. stay.. I want my full family there.. I want you all witness me there.. please.

Comments

Post a comment

Popular posts from this blog

Definisi orang baik, dari alm Sri Wahyuningsih Djangko

"Mims, ngana kita mo tarek jadi informasi wa.. ( Mim, kamu aku rekrut jadi bagian informasi ya)" ujarnya suatu hari. Kalimat tersebut menjadi awal dari pengalaman kelas sebelas ku yang penuh dengan kesibukan non-akademis. Berorganisasi di OP (Organisasi Pelajar, atau OSIS) sambil berjibaku dengan lomba-lomba debat bersama klub debat. Entah apa yang membuatnya menarikku sebagai anggotanya di Sekbid Informasi, tapi yang jelas ku bersyukur sekali bisa dipilih sebagai partnernya. "Yuk, torang baku pangge apa e? Dorang bahasa so baku pangge 'aner' ... ( Yuk, nama panggilan kita apa nih, anak sekbid bahasa sudah punya panggilan sendiri yaitu 'aner' )" kataku di hari yang lain jauh setelah pelantikan. Dari situ tercetus lah nama Parti alias Partner-Informasi. Aku panggil dia dengan Parti, dia panggil ku pun dengan Parti. Panggilan itu bertahan hingga dua belas tahun kemudian, sampai akhir hayatnya. *** Namanya Yayuk, orang kenalnya dengan nama Yayuk
2 comments
Read more

Travel Through Time to Raijua

Menuju Raijua.. bahkan perjalanannya adalah petualangan tersendiri. Kamu harus terbang ke Kota Kupang (atau Waingapu), tapi saya memilih Kupang, lalu berlayar dengan kapal cepat selama 5-7 jam untuk menuju Pulau Sabu. Sebenarnya ada beberapa pilihan untuk ke Pulau Sabu dari Kupang, yaitu dengan naik pesawat Susi Air selama kurang lebih 55 menit dengan harga sekitar 1,3 juta, atau naik kapal Ferry lambat dengan waktu tempuh selama 12-13 jam seharga Rp 80 - 120rb per orang, atau naik kapal Ferry cepat yang berangkatnya malam dan sampai di Pulau Sabu pagi (jadi kurang lebih 8 jam juga). Kapal cepat harganya berkisar di 200rb-an, saya sendiri memilih naik kapal Cantika Express kelas VIP seharga Rp 262 ribu. Di dalam kelas VIP Kapal Express Cantika, tapi jendelanya terlalu tinggi untuk bisa duduk lihat laut Tenang, ada jaket keselamatan. Tadinya saya mau bawa sendiri karena takut menyeberang selama tujuh jam. Tapi rupanya yang harus lebih dikhawatirkan itu menyeberang dua jam
Post a comment
Read more

Camping, for some reason..

Camping is a pretty handful thing. You pack a bag filled with your life for a day or two, all these efforts, all these mess, just to sleep in a stranger's place, inconveniently, without any certainty if the weather will always be clear. Terus terang saya sebetulnya bukan tipe yang bersemangat kalau ada acara kantor yang melibatkan keluarga. Tapi kali ini justru berbeda, pertama kali ajakan camping ini datang, saya langsung iyakan tanpa berpikir terlalu panjang meskipun saya tahu ini melibatkan keluarga. Padahal saya sudah meninggalkan dunia per-camping-an sejak enam tahun lalu, sejak semua peralatan camping saya bagi-bagi ke orang terdekat.  Kami berangkat tanpa kendala yang signifikan, semua lancar, tenang, bahagia, bahkan saya bisa bilang 'I had one of the best sleeps during pandemic' di dalam tenda malam itu. Sebagai seorang single sejati, tentu saya bawa tenda single juga (minjem punya si Ale), which already filled with my bagage (literally). Rasanya familiar ketika mal
Post a comment
Read more