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Mima's Specialty #2: 'I wish you nothing but the worst' .. (A simple note for the lost souls)

 


I'm the kind of woman who sit alone in her house, waiting for maghrib time with a strong determination in her heart to do ironing after maghrib, but end up cook her self a special dinner while listening to Natalie Portman's Harvard Commencement Speech.


I have to call it 'special dinner' because I'm putting a real effort in it. I usually don't eat dinner this serious, not if I'm cooking. But this time.. well, I have my reason which I gladly share it in elaborate detail.


Ini sebenarnya indomie, tapi tidak pakai bumbu bawaan indomie. Kenapa saya masak Indomie malam ini? Karena saya punya indomie yang dibeli berbulan lalu sejak terakhir kali 'serangan asam lambung' kambuh gara-gara makan satu bungkus indomie. Waktu itu saya beli tiga bungkus, masih tersisa dua bungkus yang sebentar lagi akan habis masa kadaluarsanya. Saya tidak tega jika harus memberinya ke ibu yang suka ambilin sampah tiap pagi, tapi juga tidak mau membuang makanan. 

Untuk menyiasatinya, maka saya masak mie ini tanpa bumbu bawaan. Karena yang bikin saya gampang sakit bukan mie nya, tapi kandungan MSG yang terlalu tinggi dari bumbunya. Semua yang penuh MSG memang tidak lagi bisa saya toleransi, termasuk sekantong chitato atau lays yang saya sukaaa sekali. hiks. Maka, mie ini saya pakaikan bumbu original, bawang merah bawang putih yang diulek manual.


Cara masaknya sebetulnya sederhana; rebus indomie dan horenzo secara terpisah, lalu sisihkan. Haluskan bawang merah dan bawang putih, sisihkan. Saya masih punya putih telur sisa bikin donat tadi pagi, jadi saya bikin dulu orak arik putih telur, masukkan bakso dan sosis yang sudah digoreng terlebih dahulu  (because I prefer it that way, I don't trust raw meatball and sausage), tumis bawang merah dan bawang putih sampai harum, lalu masukkan mie yang sudah direbus tadi. Bumbu tambahannya adalah saos asam manis yang juga dibeli entah kapan. Maka jadilah menu makan malam dari bahan sisa-sisa.

Horenzo menjadi pelengkap dan penyeimbang semua rasa yang dicampur tadi, yang dimasak sambil mendengarkan commencement speech nya Natalie Portman, Oprah Winfrey (tapi tidak selesai karena saya skip), ke Jim Carrey.


Judul di atas adalah petikan dari lukisan Jim Carrey yang dia lukis khusus untuk malam itu. Lukisan tentang cahaya yang dikerubungi oleh banyak orang, melambangkan orang-orang di sekitar kita; mulai dari yang clingy, tidak mau membiarkan kita sendiri, sampai si penjilat dengan tulisan kecil yang entah kenapa bisa tertangkap oleh mata saya padahal lagi makan; I wish you nothing but the worst. 


You see, mendengarkan pidato motivasi tentu membosankan bagi banyak orang, dan tidak banyak juga yang bisa membawakan pidato motivasi tanpa ada unsur cringe alias menggelikan di dalamnya. Saya pun bukan termasuk penikmat video motivasi karena tentu saja saya lebih termotivasi oleh uang orang-orang di sekitar saya ketimbang orang asing yang jauh di sana. Tiga video tadi juga sebetulnya hanya pelengkap supaya tidak terlalu sepi saat memasak. Saya lebih banyak mengamini bagian lelucon dari Natalie Portman dan Jim Carrey ketimbang motivasi yang mereka coba sampaikan --walaupun mereka tidak banyak bermaksud memotivasi dan hanya lebih mengajak audiens untuk relax dan menikmati hidup. 


Tapi sesekali kita perlu mendengarkan video-video semacam itu, dari siapapun yang kita senangi. Pesan yang disampaikan mungkin tidak baru bagi kamu, tapi bisa jadi semacam pengingat dan penenang jiwa bahwa you're on the right track. 


Often time we find ourselves in doubt, is this going somewhere? Is this the right track? Am I doing the right thing? What if I stuck? What if this will lead to nothing? Honey.. what if.. you almost there?


Life can be so confusing sometimes. We couldn't find what we want, we even struggle to think what's for dinner every single time. Choices are vary, but our capability to chose is somehow.. vague. One day you're a specialist marketer, the other day you're a branding consultant. One day you're a social researcher, and the other day you're a business management expert. I know it's hard figuring out what we want, and maybe a thousand of motivational videos won't change anything.

But I know one thing; when we keep trying to find ourselves, reconnect with our soul, no matter how many times we fail or seems to drift apart, we will find it. We will find what is actually meant for us even if it means that we become a totally different person.


Therefore, I believe that the journey of how you meet your husband, shouldn't be the title of your journey. Your discovery about each other should be just a part of something bigger. A part that will lead to something with meaning that both of you will heading together. Love is not everything to live for --it is crucial and important to be there when you decided to marry them--, but love is not the only thing you should be looking for. 


There must be a reason why they call it 'soulmate' instead of 'mindmate' or 'heartmate'. Because it's the soul who have the goal, and both of you have designed to walk the journey together with the same set of goal. That.. if you believe in soulmate. Do you believe in soulmate? I do, though. Yeah. I might seem like I don't care about love or anything, but I do believe in soulmate. Not because I'm a Disney Princess big fan, but because I do. I just do. 


So here's the maybe(s).

Maybe.. maybe if now you're confuse about who you are and what to do with your life, maybe the first place you should look for is inside. Try asking yourself, what is it that you like, or what spark joy to you, what makes you genuinely happy. Ask.. not once, not twice, but over and over again. Question everything that you're about to do every minute, every hour. You don't have to do it for over a week, let alone a month. Just try in a day or two, or three (top). And then maybe.. just maybe.. maybe you'll get used to be entirely genuine to yourself.


I know it sounds weird, thinking about this while cooking for dinner. But I guess that's the cost of solitude. You think wide and wild without anyone ever stopping. 

I may say a plenty of time, how I love solitude and being alone. Well, the truth is.. I love people. This afternoon, as I walk outside the house to my neighbours, from one door to another, get a small talk while handing them my juices.. I realised that I actually miss being surrounded by people. When I had a meeting last week in the office, the moment I stepped in to the office, grab an unhealthy food from the table without even asking whose food is that.. I was flooded with emotion. I actually like being around them. Even if they're loud, and made me even louder, and we are all loud like stupid community, but I like it. 


The next thing you know, after figuring your self out, is you know your boundaries. This is crucial for growth, setting your boundaries in a way that people will get comfortable around you, as much as you do.


I am not gonna wish you anything, not even the worst, but I'll pray that all of the lost souls will eventually find their way back home. Those who are created in pairs back in heaven, are finally reunited here on Earth. Amin.


***

Bogor, 14 February 2021

Picture me as the girl who wrote a diary by the ocean, like Evelyn when she misses Rave in Pearl Harbor, writing by the Sunset, near the Sea with the sound of waves.. except I'm not wearing white or lily in my ears. I'm only wearing pajamas and it's black. I'm not sitting on the top of the hill by the waves, I'm only sitting in my desk, and the only Sea and the Hills is in my desktop background.

But these posts here, they could act like a message in a bottle. I throw them all to the ocean, hoping somebody will grab it, open it, read it, and understand it. So they eventually sail back to me, and say 'hey, I'm reading your blog, why don't you write a book, I'll help you get published'. 


>.<


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