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I just realise something... well.. two things, actually. It's not something if you can define how many is that something is, right?

I was lying on the floor this afternoon, habit, filling the gap between Magrib and Isya, because I'm too lazy to take off my prayer clothes and because I like to do some thinking. (As an excuse to procrastinate reading The Quran). I realised that.. last night.. I forgot to close the trash bin. 

Yeah. I put a bone in that thrash bin, in a plastic bag, but I didn't close the lid. I let it open, and maybe that's the cause of my terrible dream last night. Syaithan loves bones and blood. If you have left over meat or something related to animal containing flesh and blood, you better throw it away or put it in the storage. I wasn't thinking yesterday, and I was too busy with work my new hilarious series. 

I also realised that.. their appearance in both of my dreams.. they both had the same expression. I really like to put it here, but bad dreams shouldn't be told. That's sunnah, if you have a bad dream, just keep it to yourself. And I got goosebump right now. But my point is, they both had the similar facial expression. Which got me thinking.. do they mad at me or do they just tryin to scare me off? Because I do. I'm terrified. 

But I am more scared of Allah, He's the one I should be worry about. Kalau Allah sampai marah karena ku lebih takut sama makhluknya kan lebih mengerikan lagi.

So yeah. This post will remind me a year later, how I love being in this house, how I love lying on the floor, staring at that perfectly-flawless-painted walls, killing the time instead of doing dzikr or praying.

I can do so much, but I end up doing nothing but to stare kolong kasur. Tapi ini juga bagian dari my defense mechanism. By staring at what's under my bed for five minutes straight, make sure nothing comes out there, make sure it's clearly empty even if its' not clean because I have no idea how to move this effing heavy wooden bed. Nope. Nothing there. I can assure me, I am safe. 


Bogor, Still January 7th 2021

I can't believe I make it this far.. 

Hey, me. I'm proud of you. 


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I was on page 184 when a good friend of mine texted and she suddenly poured her mental state. I was frozen for a moment before picking up my self and texted her back with some rational-encouraging words that I wish could help. This is a tough time for us, especially her, with all burden on her shoulder and the recent loss that we've experienced. It's not easy and never getting any easier, so we just have to face it now, embrace the fact that she's gone and feel the stings for a couple years. I finished two books today, one that I read from weeks ago, and one that I just read and not really have much information that I need. When I decided to go on the third book, only when I was halfway distractions started to come. Alright, I put my book aside and try to attend to the only thing I should attend: life. It's been a week since I shut myself in the house. Not going outside, let alone spoke to another human being. I feel weird doing that especially when I used to talk

About being a strong woman.,

My product(s) are a means to show people that we could and should be happy in wherever we are, in whatever the circumstances. As a single person battling with all the worryness of who am I gonna end up with while dealing with work and life, I must admit that I am strong enough to do it all alone. Including being obedient to difficult father and grandfather. I am strong. But at the end of the day, when I got home after a very long Sunday and clean my self with cold water.. I still wish that I have somebody in this house... to open the hair serum for me. :( Kenceng banget 15 menit nyoba buka tutupnya gabisa2


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