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Rediscovering My North Star

 


Being a purpose-driven woman without a spouse to make babies with, sucks. I keep asking myself, what am I gonna do now? 

It's like everything seems to be a dead end, except if I have children, and raise them, and my only purpose is to be a better mom for them each and every day. And by 'better' I mean spiritually, emotionally, and inteligently. I'm not that into cleaning the house and stuff --I'll do the cooking, though-- but cleaning, changing sheets and curtains..? I'll have an assistant for that.


But this isn't the only dumb thing I did tonight (or think). I watch New Girl show, with sheet mask on! I can feel the sheet mask crackin everytime I laugh, and I can't stop laughin!


I know I sound depressed lately. I write meaningless, shallow, posts way too much. (Speaking of too much, in five days, it'll be a year since that word has some extra meaning in my life which I'm not proud of. God I hate him).


But I'm not.. depressed.

I'm just.. losing my north star. 

I know I wanna raise these babies, the one and the other one. I just don't know how to keep doing it. 

I mean, I know, I'm not that clueless, okay. I'm not stupid.


Anyway.

If you've seen this post before I delete it, consider yourself lucky. I'm not usually this open especially since I open this blog. This is the only blog I'm proud of, because it will be the longest, the most consistent commitment I've ever had. My previous blog named hsuciandari dot com, I deleted right after I bought this one. That was a birthday gift from my ex which I didn't need. That blog only survived two years before the relationship ended. 


I've drawn a map of my current story (perfect, right, how each year is new different story, new different novel, and lots of complexity which will never see the light). Maybe this year is different. Maybe this year, this one baby will finally see the light? Just like what I said four years ago.. Maybe this one is truly different.


I just have to find my North Star again. A billion stars in the galaxy.. having one of them won't hurt the constellation, right? I'll find it. 

***

Bogor, Still January 6 2021

Who owns the Stars?


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