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Rediscovering My North Star


Being a purpose-driven woman without a spouse to make babies with, sucks. I keep asking myself, what am I gonna do now? 

It's like everything seems to be a dead end, except if I have children, and raise them, and my only purpose is to be a better mom for them each and every day. And by 'better' I mean spiritually, emotionally, and inteligently. I'm not that into cleaning the house and stuff --I'll do the cooking, though-- but cleaning, changing sheets and curtains..? I'll have an assistant for that.

But this isn't the only dumb thing I did tonight (or think). I watch New Girl show, with sheet mask on! I can feel the sheet mask crackin everytime I laugh, and I can't stop laughin!

I know I sound depressed lately. I write meaningless, shallow, posts way too much. (Speaking of too much, in five days, it'll be a year since that word has some extra meaning in my life which I'm not proud of. God I hate him).

But I'm not.. depressed.

I'm just.. losing my north star. 

I know I wanna raise these babies, the one and the other one. I just don't know how to keep doing it. 

I mean, I know, I'm not that clueless, okay. I'm not stupid.


If you've seen this post before I delete it, consider yourself lucky. I'm not usually this open especially since I open this blog. This is the only blog I'm proud of, because it will be the longest, the most consistent commitment I've ever had. My previous blog named hsuciandari dot com, I deleted right after I bought this one. That was a birthday gift from my ex which I didn't need. That blog only survived two years before the relationship ended. 

I've drawn a map of my current story (perfect, right, how each year is new different story, new different novel, and lots of complexity which will never see the light). Maybe this year is different. Maybe this year, this one baby will finally see the light? Just like what I said four years ago.. Maybe this one is truly different.

I just have to find my North Star again. A billion stars in the galaxy.. having one of them won't hurt the constellation, right? I'll find it. 


Bogor, Still January 6 2021

Who owns the Stars?


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Back to my nir-faedah kinda post.

I was on page 184 when a good friend of mine texted and she suddenly poured her mental state. I was frozen for a moment before picking up my self and texted her back with some rational-encouraging words that I wish could help. This is a tough time for us, especially her, with all burden on her shoulder and the recent loss that we've experienced. It's not easy and never getting any easier, so we just have to face it now, embrace the fact that she's gone and feel the stings for a couple years. I finished two books today, one that I read from weeks ago, and one that I just read and not really have much information that I need. When I decided to go on the third book, only when I was halfway distractions started to come. Alright, I put my book aside and try to attend to the only thing I should attend: life. It's been a week since I shut myself in the house. Not going outside, let alone spoke to another human being. I feel weird doing that especially when I used to talk

About being a strong woman.,

My product(s) are a means to show people that we could and should be happy in wherever we are, in whatever the circumstances. As a single person battling with all the worryness of who am I gonna end up with while dealing with work and life, I must admit that I am strong enough to do it all alone. Including being obedient to difficult father and grandfather. I am strong. But at the end of the day, when I got home after a very long Sunday and clean my self with cold water.. I still wish that I have somebody in this house... to open the hair serum for me. :( Kenceng banget 15 menit nyoba buka tutupnya gabisa2


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