Dark and Blue. [Revised]

 

If I set it to the green light, I'll feel like a witch in front of cauldron, summoning ghosts. This house is already haunted before I summon anything. So..

***

Three years living alone in this house, I get so good at covering my pain. I can laugh, and smile, and full of expression, but I have a painful headache and constantly control the urge to throw up. Once the call was end, I throw up for like.. three times. Four.. I don't know, I didn't count. I was busy emptying my stomach. So now I understand how Bu Ani or Bu Ainun have a serious illness, but none notice until it's too late.

Women can easily ignore herself when it comes to other things they care about. So girls, be grateful if you're still single. It means that your world still revolves around you. Once you got committed to someone, your body isn't yours anymore. Not even your mind, because you will constantly think about them, make sure that all of their needs are fulfilled. Lucky me, all I had in mind is only this step baby I adopted two years ago and my real baby who just born a couple months ago.

***

The universe always gives you the signs if you were meant to do something. To me, it came in form of a friend who suddenly asked to be my business partner, that she wanted to open the same business and my brand in different location. That request came out of the blue, right when I almost quit this juicing thing. And then, the neighbor who suddenly asks me about my composting product, also out of the blue. She is a lecture, a biology lecture in my campus, and I know she knows more about microbes so she actually doesn't have to ask me about what it contains. She asked because she's interested in my composting product and wanna try it in her home, so I send her a bottle.

Delivery process to a woman next door

And tonight, after a burst-up afternoon.. this emotional roller-coaster has finally find it's happy ending. Because, finally, somebody is talking to me about my baby juices. The topic which I try to avoid, even here. It gives me a kind of nice boost, so maybe I can use it for tomorrow. Or Sunday. Or Monday. Idk. I still the best procrastinator in this house.

If you know me, I'm the least consistent and committed person in my group. So if I've gone this far with the babies, and suddenly I got cold feet after three months, you still can call it accomplishment. 

I barely can stand two weeks on repeated-routine, okay.

***

I have been reading dictionary for two days since I finished the last book. I know it sounds desperate, but trust me, both Eminem and Taylor Swift, they also read a dictionary to kill time.

I've been searching for another book to read, but who am I.. I'm just human. I don't find a good book. The good book find me. Also, out of the blue, I got my self a free book tomorrow (Insya Allah). yay.

***

But I learn something today. The first thing in the world to teach your kids, is how to control their mouth when they were angry. Even teach them how to control their mind. Because people tend to regret the things that they said when they're angry, and when they realised, it's already too late. I was lucky I did carefully type my text during that convos, so I regret nothing. But I hope, the one who said bad things to me, regret his words, if.. he has enough space to think about it in his heart.

It's okay, I already forgive him anyway. It'll be my reward in aakhirah. I love gift. Especially in aakhirah, where everything will be beautiful. Righhttt

When people is in dark and blue kind of mood, it's hard to control their logic let alone listening to their soul. This is the only crucial skill to master. Karena di jaman fitnah, orang tidak bisa lagi membedakan mana benar dan salah, sehingga kemampuan untuk terus terkoneksi dengan diri sendiri bahkan di saat marah atau sedih, sangatlah penting. 

The origin of the word fitna is actually a separation process of gold, to purify it from the dirt. So this is why it called fitna phase, because it separates the true believers and the munafiqin (ones who pretend to be true believers, because they're worse than  the non-believers. At least the non-believers picking side and be clear on where they stand).

Do you know how people separates gold? Have you ever do it? I have. Five years ago, in a pristine area of South Kalimantan.

It involves a loot of shaking, baby. A loot of shaking.

***

i've been meaning to write something meaningful today, like the recipes of cumi asam manis which I cook for lunch.

But I have to throw up again. So..

Bye.

***

Bogor.

It is only the first week of 2021.