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What I Made of

Do you believe in higher power?
Do you believe in connectivity? That everything in the universe is connected to each other even at the most random moment?

Do you believe that the trees, and sky, and seas, and stars are doing tasbeeh?
Did you know that in science it called String Theory, where their frequency meets and connected to one another?

This is what I made of. A deep long conversation, and I’ll bore people to sleep. I’ve always been this way since I was a kid but I refuse to be me because my friends think I’m weird. But not anymore.

I’ve found myself since he left, and I’m grateful for his absence. This is the part where usually an idea came up, and become an endless novel to write (because it never finished). But that’s okay. I just have to be patient with myself, because one day, I’ll publish that effing book. And his name will be the chapter in it, as a means to my end: closure. 

***
Bogor, (still) December 22
And I think now he’s back. I don’t care if he’s here, reading thru from where he left off. Maybe he’s shocked by now on how honest I could be. How naked I am in this blog. I don’t care if anyone’s here at all. It’ll just make things easier. We could cut the bullshit and save our time. 
By time I realised all the patterns: datang trus pergi lagi, nanti kalo kusudah hampir clean dia datang lagi, merusak tembok yg sudah dibangun kokoh, lalu habis itu ku tertipu ilusi lagi, dan trus dia pergi lagi, ku menangis lagi.

Kalo kata Taylor Swift ‘but the cycle ends right now..’. I’m done. Really done. I have my mind on my baby juices and that’s all I would wanna think about. 

And I’m busy falling in love with myself. Didn’t know she could be this cute and sweet and smart and funny! Lol. Sorry, But you’re replaceable. 

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Back to my nir-faedah kinda post.

I was on page 184 when a good friend of mine texted and she suddenly poured her mental state. I was frozen for a moment before picking up my self and texted her back with some rational-encouraging words that I wish could help. This is a tough time for us, especially her, with all burden on her shoulder and the recent loss that we've experienced. It's not easy and never getting any easier, so we just have to face it now, embrace the fact that she's gone and feel the stings for a couple years. I finished two books today, one that I read from weeks ago, and one that I just read and not really have much information that I need. When I decided to go on the third book, only when I was halfway distractions started to come. Alright, I put my book aside and try to attend to the only thing I should attend: life. It's been a week since I shut myself in the house. Not going outside, let alone spoke to another human being. I feel weird doing that especially when I used to talk