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Bogor.. for some reason

Maybe father was right after all. This town has something, one that makes it feel like home and stranger at the same time. Maybe I can’t appreciate it that much because I live here and the only way to have a strong feeling about places, is when you are away from it.

I realized it today, as I decided to take a walk after a two hours of exhausting online session. Though I did nothing. The walk was.. well.. the walk. The magnificent view of Mount Salak was covered by thick grey cloud, I love it at shiny days, tho. Mount Salak is breathtaking even from my block street. 

“Hey, look! You can see Mount Salak from here” I told a friend who was giving me ride home.
“Yeah, like I never saw it before” he replied, sarcastically. I laughed. Yea, he was right. There’s nothing to be amazed for. It’s just a regular view for us who live around.

After one realization or two.. now I decided to stop wanting to get out of here. I must admit.. even I am not brave enough to do what I said I wanna do. I don’t have any courage to apply for that scholarship.. one that used to be my reason to convince myself to break up from the ex. Honestly,,, and this is hard to admit,,, honestly I’m scared. I can’t picture myself, doing routine in a strange world, away from my family or the people I know. As desperate as I am to have a fresh start.. pursuing master degree in other country alone, is scary. But I keep telling people I want that, and I’ll go chase that. 

“But you’re fearless.. why?” Asked an older woman one day when I finally can say it outloud a couple of week ago.
I was just shrugged. That’s all the answer I got. 

Maybe because I have been alone for so long.. I don’t wanna get too attached to it. I left home when I was thirteen, never came back home since. Now that I have a house, I know now how nice it is to have a place to come back to. After two years I realized, this is addicting. Singleton is conquering me, and I’m afraid to give any space to anyone. Too scared that they’ll never fit in and leave a hole I can’t replace.

Alright.. it’s too much information.
But my point is.. maybe father was right about this town. I started to understand how for some people Bogor is a memory they will forever keep, or a dark chapter they will never revisit. It is a mystery for young girls and boys who dreamed about college and future, and a memory about rain and romantic town forest. 

But for some others.. it is the only place to live. Wake up every morning, go to work, come home, and go to bed over and over again.

This is at last.. the town of when people says its name, all they had in mind is beautiful things that can lift a smile. 

You know where I am, October 20, 2020


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