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Brooklyn..

It was a movie from 2015 about a young girl who leaves home in Ireland to find a job in New York. Long story short, she fell in love with someone, got married, before she comes back to Ireland to accompany her grieving mother. There when she met another guy, an Irish, handsome and rich guy and started to have her heart torn between two.

Film ini terlalu emosional tapi saya tidak menangis sampai di menit ke 140, saat adegannya menampilkan suasana pantai yang sepi. I dreamt of lying on the beach this morning and it felt real. Saya bangun sambil bersyukur karena masih bisa merasakan pantai dan menikmati pemandangannya walau cuma di mimpi.

Homesick memang payah, di awal film menceritakan kepayahan gadis muda Saoirse Ronan itu melewati homesickness. Saya jadi ingat masa-masa saat saya begitu merindukan rumah, merindukan mama, pulang dengan sekarung penuh cerita yang ingin saya bagi dengan antusias. Masa-masa itu berhasil saya taklukan, yang justru kelewat batas. I have numbed that feeling till now, till there's no more room left from missing home. Where is home anyway.

Cara mereka menceritakan kebimbangan si gadis muda ini, memiliki pria baru yang sudah dia nikahi diam-diam di Amerika, atau pria dari kampung halamannya, membuat lagi-lagi insecurity saya naik tinggi. I know that there's no one like people from our homeland. Apalagi kalau seorang laki-laki, yang begitu dicintai ibunya, yang saudaranya sudah menikah dan pindah di kota lain, dan hanya tersisa adik perempuan (misalnya) yang sewaktu-waktu  bisa dinikahi orang dan pergi bersamanya.. pasti akan punya rasa berat hati meninggalkan rumah. Meninggalkan kampung halaman dan orang tua yang semakin renta.

Untuk itu saya mengerti jika ada orang yang memilih perempuan berdasarkan suku dan asal, meskipun mereka saling cinta, tapi bukan berarti itu yang utama. Ada orang tua yang sudah mengorbankan seluruh hidupnya, untuk dibalas walau tak kunjung akan berbalas. Menulis hal ini, saya semakin sedih karena... where is home anyway.

Is there any piece of land for me, somewhere? Will there be a guy who chose me for my homeland? Will there ever be somebody who loves me for where I come from, or love me for me instead?

Kalau ada orang yang memilih pasangan berdasarkan kesamaan muasal, saya mengerti.

***
Bogor, I don't like this Wednesday Mood. But I guess its just hormones. Its not me. I'm not weak and I know it.

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