I was on page 184 when a good friend of mine texted and she suddenly poured her mental state. I was frozen for a moment before picking up my self and texted her back with some rational-encouraging words that I wish could help.
This is a tough time for us, especially her, with all burden on her shoulder and the recent loss that we've experienced. It's not easy and never getting any easier, so we just have to face it now, embrace the fact that she's gone and feel the stings for a couple years.
I finished two books today, one that I read from weeks ago, and one that I just read and not really have much information that I need. When I decided to go on the third book, only when I was halfway distractions started to come. Alright, I put my book aside and try to attend to the only thing I should attend: life.
It's been a week since I shut myself in the house. Not going outside, let alone spoke to another human being. I feel weird doing that especially when I used to talk to my neighbor a lot for the past couple of weeks. But another good friend of mine said that I could do that without asking for permission and its not selfish. A couple of video calls, group chat, or whatever, Instagram chit-chat, and then there was an online class I regret taking. Life, has finally turned back to 'normal' for me. The definition of my new normal has begun long before the media start to speak about it. I realized about this change since day one of self-quarantine, that life will never be the same and I decided to make it as my normal.
Here I am, happily back to the digital world, and forgetting the world exists.
I really miss the outside world now, one that requires one flight or two. The airport, the waitings, the snack between car ride, I miss packing though I used to hate it so much..
There are things that come so quickly without any sign nor warning and change our lives forever. Sometimes its the depart of the loved one, sometimes its the arrival of love, an engagement, marriage, then comes a baby. All of us would go through stages of life, that's been promised since thousand of years ago, written in the sky. But we're too busy to wait for another stage, and forget to live the current stage we're standing.
Humans are made with a little bit of fear and hope. Those two are the fuels to live and yet life is all about controlling them. There are people out there who love to control other people, and they got mad when they got rejected. I understand those rages, I understand how insecurity and the need of being recognized can turn a human into a scary monster.
So what is my point, exactly?
I don't know.. maybe I dont have one.
***
Bogor, 1 June 2020
He came to my dream last night, a brief moment before Subh and I usually had a dream about him on that time and it turns out to be true. Last night, I was sleeping. In my dream, I was sleeping but not really sleeping. I can feel his body come closer to mine, I can feel his body right behind me as I lie there. I can't feel him hugging me tight before he reaches my arm. He holds my hand, slowly, tightly. As if he wanna say 'please wait for me'. I was silent sleep or pretending to sleep still until he moves and leave me there. In my dream, I was awake and I saw him right in front of me. Silent cold as he usually be. He pretends not to see me so I decided to ignore him as well. I yawn, and put myself back before I decided to... and then I woke up. Real woke up. It was almost 4.30, not even Subh yet.
A brief moment of silent that I made a wish to Allah, please let this be another message. Like the one when he got sick, and the one when he decided to leave. Please let this one to be true..
This is a tough time for us, especially her, with all burden on her shoulder and the recent loss that we've experienced. It's not easy and never getting any easier, so we just have to face it now, embrace the fact that she's gone and feel the stings for a couple years.
I finished two books today, one that I read from weeks ago, and one that I just read and not really have much information that I need. When I decided to go on the third book, only when I was halfway distractions started to come. Alright, I put my book aside and try to attend to the only thing I should attend: life.
It's been a week since I shut myself in the house. Not going outside, let alone spoke to another human being. I feel weird doing that especially when I used to talk to my neighbor a lot for the past couple of weeks. But another good friend of mine said that I could do that without asking for permission and its not selfish. A couple of video calls, group chat, or whatever, Instagram chit-chat, and then there was an online class I regret taking. Life, has finally turned back to 'normal' for me. The definition of my new normal has begun long before the media start to speak about it. I realized about this change since day one of self-quarantine, that life will never be the same and I decided to make it as my normal.
Here I am, happily back to the digital world, and forgetting the world exists.
I really miss the outside world now, one that requires one flight or two. The airport, the waitings, the snack between car ride, I miss packing though I used to hate it so much..
There are things that come so quickly without any sign nor warning and change our lives forever. Sometimes its the depart of the loved one, sometimes its the arrival of love, an engagement, marriage, then comes a baby. All of us would go through stages of life, that's been promised since thousand of years ago, written in the sky. But we're too busy to wait for another stage, and forget to live the current stage we're standing.
Humans are made with a little bit of fear and hope. Those two are the fuels to live and yet life is all about controlling them. There are people out there who love to control other people, and they got mad when they got rejected. I understand those rages, I understand how insecurity and the need of being recognized can turn a human into a scary monster.
So what is my point, exactly?
I don't know.. maybe I dont have one.
***
Bogor, 1 June 2020
He came to my dream last night, a brief moment before Subh and I usually had a dream about him on that time and it turns out to be true. Last night, I was sleeping. In my dream, I was sleeping but not really sleeping. I can feel his body come closer to mine, I can feel his body right behind me as I lie there. I can't feel him hugging me tight before he reaches my arm. He holds my hand, slowly, tightly. As if he wanna say 'please wait for me'. I was silent sleep or pretending to sleep still until he moves and leave me there. In my dream, I was awake and I saw him right in front of me. Silent cold as he usually be. He pretends not to see me so I decided to ignore him as well. I yawn, and put myself back before I decided to... and then I woke up. Real woke up. It was almost 4.30, not even Subh yet.
A brief moment of silent that I made a wish to Allah, please let this be another message. Like the one when he got sick, and the one when he decided to leave. Please let this one to be true..
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