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#16 Dee [Fiksi]

My wedding is in a few months and I had to wonder.. was I really in love? Seeing Rain and Biru last night, picking up their cloths and their stuff to spend the night in the hospital, to see how they carefully prepare every meals for their son, and how they monitor the baby and the nanny every minute and hour... I have doubt that I my self would ever do that much to another person.

I wonder..
Was I ever really in love? At least one like Rain and Biru had between them. The love to take care, to protect.. all I know is, whenever I fell in love,. It must have something for me. I always put my self first. My first boyfriend was.. well how should I say.. a mistake. But he benefited me so much that I couldn’t go to school without him. I wasn’t in love with him but I’m getting used to be with him. Until the need for his service is over, my love for him also gone.

Probably that’s my karma, when I finally fell in love without reason, and that guy didn’t love me back, instead he was just being nice with me, my friends, my family, my BEST friends,. But he walked away once I was so into him. And you know.. came back with a piece of fucking invitation.

Then I met Rommy. He is nice, and he liked me a lot. So I get used to him, and I feel comfortable. Which led to the when he proposed and I said yes and things are going smooth. But now.. 

Will I take a good care of him? I know his favorite food, his favorite drink, I know everything about his appetite. I think I can take a good care of him. I know when he’s in the bad mood, or in a good mood, or when he needed his space, and I can understand it all without asking. Are those enough definition to.. say.. me loving him?

What is love.. really?
How to love?
If love is Rain and Biru.. will I ever be like them?

Am I getting cold feet? Rain says that its normal for a bride to get cold feet before D-day. Because phew,. It’s such a big day, isn’t it..? Declaring one love to one person forever and ever till death do us part.. it started to feel scary to me. Because of all fears that I have in my head.. marrying a wrong person is on top of that list. Followed by marrying for wrong reason.

Why am I getting married?
Because I want to keep my best buddy with me, of course.
But why do I want to keep him? What if one day, somewhere around the corner, a better guy show up and suddenly this one feels like nothing?
No.. no.. its not gonna happen. But if it does.. I wont let my self to get drawn into it. That is how adult do their things: commitment! First they decide, then they stay. I am an adult and I have to do grown up things.

***
Rain menepuk bahu Dee pelan. Dee yang sedang duduk termenung di pojok kamar, memandang kosong ke arah Jenny yang tertidur pulas, agak tersentak dengan tepukannya. Rain tersenyum mengerti, dia tahu apa yang sedang mengganggu pikiran Dee. Tapi ada hal lain yang lebih penting untuk dibicarakan.
“Ibu Jenny sudah datang, dia ingin bicara dengan kita bertiga terlebih dahulu” ujarnya pelan. Dee manut. Diikutinya langkah Rain ke luar kamar, menyusul Nadhira yang sudah duluan duduk bersama Ibu Jenny di ruang tunggu.

***
Bogor, February 1st 2020

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