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Series of Lesson I found in my twenties, leave it if you claim to be an atheist. Its gotta be boring.

If all road lead to somewhere, and life is a long road we take.. where do it lead us to?


I hit rockbottom. Finally. I made a mistake, lots of mistakes, when I used to be the careful one. Used to.

I'm feeling lost in some way, but not in the way that I would like to explain in this note. It was a whole lot different year, last year. The one month trial is over, and now I had to face the truth. The truth which wakes me up. One hit is all it takes, to make me realize, what is it to be.. alive.


A person who used to live in struggle, would never understand the world as an easy trip. For them, everything needs a thoughtful consideration, it could never be the.. I want this so I got this. And vice versa, the one who used to live an easy life, would never understand what it takes to sacrifice.

I didn't realize this until I got a terrible hit in my career, which is nothing compared to other people out there. Should I tell you what is the hit? Nah.. you wouldn't understand. It's too easy for you, you'll say it's nothing. But it is.. what made me stay up every night. 

I cried on my home.. not because of the movie I just watched, (The Upside is a really good movie, though).. but because I am finally realize, what road I'm taking now. So this is how the story begin..


I found God only when I was twenty one. Yep, that wasn't long ago. I was born muslim, in a mediocre muslim family. My father wasn't a real faithful one, but at least he doesn't marry a Christian girl like his brother did. He marry a beautiful woman, with beautiful eyes and hair, and have five children.

I found Allah in my backpacker trip which I took for I don't know why. I was a spotlight girl, I love being under the spotlight, and that moment I thought, taking a backpacker trip to South East Asia will be a cool thing. I don't care if I'm happy or not, as long as people are clapping, I am happy. So I lost. (I put this story in my previous blog, God how I had so many blogs). I lost in Saigon, and walking down the road for four hours. Clueless. No phone, no maps, all I had was my camera and the name of the hotel I booked online. 

Long story short, after four hours finding nothing, I started to whisper, if Allah is really there, then I want him to show me way. Just like that, He sent me two people: one cab driver, and one old woman with grey hair. 

I started to believe His existence from that day on.

Five years gone by, another rock hit my bottom. (Nah. That's not how you use the word). 

I found that believing and keeping faith are different. I just realised it after I broke up with my ex, and he left, which I thought he would never left. At that moment, spotlight is still everything to me. So I do everything to keep the crowd happy, I don't care if I'm happy or not, as long as people are clapping, I am happy. 

I was long for a marriage, but I didn't know what kind of marriage that I want. Until I met a girl, three years older than me, she was single, had no boyfriend, but she could describe what kind of man she wants. She told me like he's exist, even though she had no idea how, when and where will they met. Little did we know, months later her husband proposed to her, out of nowhere. And now she's happily married.

Leaving that story, I took one lesson: life will give you what you want, if you already know what you want.

So I took a distance from everyone, trying to figure out what I want.
Surprisingly enough, when I made a space.. some people are burning the bridge instead. They don't like the distance, so they made a gap. And that's when I learn how to see who my real friends are.

But I still can't describe what do I want. What do I really want.
Sometimes I want to get married to someone, but not for my happiness, it still for the crowd. Being with him, will be good for my spotlight. People will cheer, they will be happy, they will throw flower to us instead of rocks, and that's it. I'd never really think what will happen behind the curtains. It could be a real scary one, when I realized I have no love for him, instead of just attention which won't last.

Carry on, I keep that dream in a box. I put it in my drawer, have no intention to open it. Let it close, until someone is knocking and meaning to stay. 

It's been six years since I found my believe to Allah, and four years since I found my faith to Him. Which means.. another level of test.

A career life that I hold so dearly, now is kind of shaking. Not earthquake shaking.. just a milkshake shaking. But enough to made me cry every night after office. People might say 'what an easy life you had' but.. yeah, people. You know. Allah will tell you otherwise. He knows what you're capable of, and He knows how much you can handle. So He gave me this little, because this one kilogram I carry, equal to ten zillion grams of yours. (know am sayin)

Now is the time for me to learn my lesson on how to put faith and believe, at one pace. Yes I believe in God. Yes I believe that He's the Almighty that nothing He can't do. Yes I have faith on Him that He's the Master of the universe. But do I have faith on His plans? Do I believe that He's the best of Planner? DO I Believe in His plans?

It's easy to believe when I am up high. But what if I am in rockbottom. Will I still believe?

That's where I'm at. When its all dark and I'm blinded to hatred and ego and confusion and accusation. When everything seems so wrong, that whatever people do, they intended to hurt me. But it's not. It could be. And its up to me. This is a tricky part. On how to be a positive thinker and looks like a naive clown, or to be a realistic thinker and look bitter (and heartless and mean).

I put almost everything in here. Because this is the only place where I could tell story without unintended interruption. I know this is gonna be harder without this page. So.. thanks, page. I'll have a pet name Page one day.


Back on the road, if life is a road, it must lead to somewhere.
And if every piece of hurtful words I found daily lead me to the realization of the beauty of Islam, the beauty of sabr, the beauty of jannah where people can beat their ego, be humble and not hurting anyone even if we've been hurt so many times..
Then this road called life, must lead us to one we called; God.

It's a journey to Him, that when we're about to meet the leader, we gotta be clean. Dirty people can't meet the leader, right. Those who stay dirty and refused to take a shower to clean them self, could never be able to meet the leader. The guard won't open the gate for them. 

And in this journey, if we're meant to be clean to meet Him, then we have to take a hard path. You know.. baju juga kan kalo kotornya dikit cuma dikucek, kalo kotornya bandel ya disikat.. the bitter cleansing road we got, the dirtier we are. Some people can't stand the brushed, so they chose to get out. Some people enjoy every pain, because that's when they know, they used to be so dirty.

This is one explanation why life gets harder when you start believing in God. As if, it's easier when you're a sinner.

When you believe, dunya is only a part of journey, like one bite of kitkat in midday, you won't mind got brushed your whole life. Because jannah is at the end of the road, and its for eternity. And you believe in jannah, you believe that you deserve jannah, so everytime people hurt you, you won't do the same to them. How beautiful.

This is what I found. From series of heartbreak that came over lately.
The heartbreaks are brushing me from the dirt I used to become. 
And I'm fully aware how dirty I am.
Allah wants me to clean, so clean I am.

I don't mind got hurt again by now, (I used to scared of pain, but not anymore).
I believe my Master have something for me, and it's not that hurt anyway, it's the pain I could carry, because He made me able to carry it.
I'm not intended to do the same to other people. So for the next level is; how do I fix all these mess, right now. Hmmm.. maybe I need my space to think (and a little snack, and milk tea, and pizza).


Bogor, February 7th 2019. 00.40
After all these lessons; minimalism, finding my faith,  string theory, law of  attraction, astrology (wait, what? Astrology? Yep, Astrology? Why the heck? Don't you know it's an ancient science?). I'm feeling like writing a book right now, except I always did but never finished, and I'm nobody and nobody wants to read nobody's story.


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