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Have you ever did something bad? Terribly bad.. that you started to understand the reason why people kill them self when the mistake happen?

I have.

When I was a kid, I used to wonder why adults are so complicated. They kill them self for one small incident that they shouldn't be that ashamed. And when I'm a young adult, I didn't understand why adult got hurt so easily, that one small kind gesture could be assumed bad and wrong for them. Why would they assume that if another people offer them help, as wrong gesture. 

I didn't understand until lately..

A cautious mind came from series of betrayal. They used to trust people who end up hurting them. Backbiting, backstabbing, all from the back, are keep happening to them that they start to build a wall. The wall is, however, protect them from everything. Good or bad. Before they know it, they have block all the lights, and all they have left is.. darkness.

You know what happen when a person is surrounded with darkness? They go blind. They can't see everything except what they already had in mind, and assuming that all of it are the same. They no longer be able to receive something new, because its strange and weird for them. They settle with what they already knew, avoiding the new, and let the assumption as they only guide.

That.. is what happen to me, lately. Little did I know, I do all the bad stuff. Terrible stuff that I don't realize I am capable of doing. I turn into an evil that I confuse my self of being an angel. Listening to podcasts, youtubes, all the religious talks, turns out not changing me into a good person, instead it keeps reminding and exposing my evil and dark side.

And tonight, I pay the price.
After series of laughter I am gratefully have, a rock finally hit me, hard enough to make my sky fall.

I went back home, cry all the way down the road, and run into my bedroom immediately. After a video or two (from youtube), I am able to stand up to my self, admitting my mistake and ask for forgiveness.

I knew that honesty is rare these days, I didn't realise why would I bet it on the untrusted table, but I did. I knew it was wrong when I did that, but I did it anyway.

After a litre of tears, I realised.. that these days, I have became an evil. My heart was full of hatred, I started to wear pink when I used to wear black, but my heart is going darker everyday. Allah is reminding me thru the videos and podcasts, but it just didn't work. So, He knows what is best, and He sent me down this trials. 

But what did you do when you know what you did is wrong?
First, you must be avoiding the blame. Put it on other people, and so mad at them that they put you in the situation to do the bad. 
Second, you started to feel guilty. You know its wrong, and you embarrassed of it. But you put the blame on other people still.
Third, you cry. You're worried about what they might think. You want your name to be clean, you want to be covered, but deep down you know, its so wrong that nothing can hide it anymore.
Fourth.. and this is the hardest, is taking the blame, admitting your sin, make an apology, and promise your self that you won't do that anymore.

I can't imagine what would Luna Maya feels after her break down, when the video that shouldn't be exposed is a number one trending topic all over the country. Everyone knows she's a sinner, every one in this country. Everywhere she goes, will be judgment all over her body. But what did she do? She stand up anyway. I'm not here to saluting her bravery or whatever but I started to understand how hard she fight, and for that she deserves a second chance.

Everyone deserve a second chance, don't you think? I do. Because people change. 

Blessed that people who could find the bad inside of them when bad things happen, instead of keep pointing the fingers.

Isn't that what Allah wants us to do? To be bettering our self each day. That every prayer the Quran has taught, are not to change the environment around us, but to change our self to embrace the environment around us. The Quran is not suggesting us to switch place whenever its inconvenient, but The Quran teaches us to stand strong no matter how bad the situation is, and praying to have more and more strength from Allah. He is the Almighty, His power is unlimited that if He give a lil bit of it to us, nothing can drag us down. Let alone Firaun.

Ease now.
You're not facing Firaun, the baby killer.
You're not facing Abu Jahal, the mocker joker
You're not facing the worst enemy of Islam,

Allah only give you a little test,
Not that you have to slaughtered your own son,
Not that He made you pregnant when you never seeing anybody,
Not that He drowned you to the whale/shark stomach,

See when the Prophets were given those trials, what did they ask? For the shark to turn into a puppet and he'd be free? Bargaining the son to trade into flock of sheeps? No.. they didn't. They ask for strength, for a stronger faith to Him, and they do it anyway. Not complaining. 

For every hardship there will be an ease, His promises are real.
You're not only not be able to see Allah, but you're not able to see His plans as well. So faith, is when you don't know what is upon you, its dark and you cant see, but you keep walking, because you know, He is the only light, and He is the most merciful, He won't let you down, as long as you believe.


Bogor, February 13th, 23.56
That an old saying was true, a lil lie destroy all trust.
What lasted with time, must be true.
But why do people keep questioning astrology..


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