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Critical Thinking vs Criticism and.. Parenting.

Parenting.. *sigh*
What's the word any more complicated than that? 

***
We could learn every lesson in the world, become whatever we want, apply to a school, get a degree, and suddenly we're an expert. But not for this one. Parenting is exceptional. Nobody.. I repeat.. nobody could ever be the most perfect parent in the world. The most expert, and the most flawless.

These days I have been thinking about how to handle a daughter my age if I am a mother. Because to me.. everything seems so wrong right now. If my parents ask me about marriage, I will be blown to anger (which they don't know because all they see is just my smiling emoticon). But if they don't ask, they might be worried about their daughter to not thinking any second about it, so they're worried (and what's good could worry-ness gave?). If they try to find me someone, I'll feel humiliated, as if I couldn't find a guy my own (which.. might be true). And if they try to give me some advice, all my mind is saying inside was 'am I a walking disaster?'.

Seriously, nothing can seem right.
Then I started to think.. 'What do I want?' What is the thing that I actually want? How do I wanna be treated?

I find the answer just yesterday, when a thought of criticism crossed by, like..

Yep! That was it! Criticism. 
All I can remember of my mother saying are started with 'DON'T'

DON'T be too high.
DON'T forget to get married
DON'T travel too far.
and other don'ts that I can't recall for it's too many and far too scary. Poker face is my best expression to those don'ts. (If I could make money from the don'ts.. maybe I'm building a real castle by now).

So the answer to that question is simple.. DON'T criticising. 

If I have daughter my age, (and I hope I will.. may Allah give His permission to this).. I won't criticising her, even though I know, that choice of her, may harm her. Let me explain you why.

The first instinct of a daughter when they have a calamity, is to tell someone they trust. And by that, doesn't mean she's seeking for advice. All she needs is comfort. She wants to be heard, she wants to feel warmth, welcomed, and.. loved. That's all. 

No matter how bad her life is, how difficult it seems, deep inside she already figure something out. But in that moment, all she needs is comfort. 

You can't provide comfort if you're busy blaming her on what she did, or criticising her choice, or worst.. saying something like.. 'See! Told ya!'. Urgh. No!

She knows she's wrong, and she feels bad already by facing the calamity, you don't have to weigh her even more with those un-necessary words. Be there and just listen. And pray deep in your heart. Pray in silence. Pray in your sujood. Pray in every chance you got, because mother's prayer has no limit. It'll rise up to the sky, like a lightening bolt hitting the Earth.

I knew that, because somehow I believe.. that every clues and hiddayah I finally be able to catch now (Alhamdulillah), must be because of my mother and father's prayer. They pray me to become a patient women (but I was born hard, stubborn, and spoil), so that these path are open to me, until I arrived into these realisation about Allah. It was all started from finding minimalism, that lead me back to my faith consciously.

As a mother, you know that she's wrong to work as a field worker. But your daughter seems happy that she thinks she's finally follow her passion. What will you do?

I suggest that you sit there, silently, listen to every enthusiasm your lil kid has, listen to her every day, make her feel heard, and once in a while show her another world that you think, in your opinion (based on twenty five years of research on her character and her potential), is better suit for her. She may reject that idea right away, or pretending that she's interested but she didn't, and that's okay. Remember a Messenger wasn't asked to change the ummah? They were asked to deliver the messages, and the rest is the ummah them self to consider. Just like a mother. Her duty is to open the door, show some path, and try to direct. As long as it isn't disobeying the religion, you have to let her. And just.. listen.

But I know it hard. I know how hard it is to see something that isn't in line with your heart, and keep going on and on to your own daughter.

That is why women should learn how to be patience since young age. Lucky me, I just started to learn about patience in my twenty five. *sarcastic sigh*

All the disasters that you faced before you have your daughter, are actually preparing you for this. To be a mother, that a daughter can count on.
So if I face something too difficult that I can't bear.. I will ask my self, 'how do I wanna be treated?' even though the answer are mostly not found.. like four ow four error, but at least I distract my mind from the sadness that that difficulties bring. 

Distraction always work, you know.

***

It never easy to be a parent, none ever told you it's gonna be easy. A friend of mine told me that our friend got divorced just when their baby is only a couple months old. Their loving marriage ended so soon, like a reap of a sunflower. None would ever know the difficulties that they had, but none ever think about it either. 

To you who is sitting there and waiting to be found.. don't you ever worry, and don't you ever wanting marriage too desperately. My best friend was once said, her marriage makes her feels happy like never before, but also makes her sad, like never before. Don't want to get married just because your friends are all married, or your families are starting to worry. Get married only when someone is finally proposing you. lol

Because marriage is not that beautiful. If you're lucky you will have a child. And life would never be the same. But if Allah wants to tests your patience for a little, and you don't have a child until a couple years later., then you'll be in the same position of where you are now: waiting. Waiting while facing the people who questions your health (heartlessly).

But indeed marriage is that beautiful. The one that invites more and more barakah, rizq, and all good things in life and afterlife. So.. yeah. While you're sitting there and waiting, why dont you start to plan, what type of mother will you be? Most women don't have time to plan those things because marriage happened so fast and so does the baby. Use that time well, because it may won't return later.

***

Bogor, January 14th 2019
Don't eat Samyang while watching Netflix in a terrible signal. The buffer and the spice will kill your sanity like they're killing mine right now. Until the thought about parenting ease me out, and then I decided to name my second or third son with Nouman. 
Why second? because I already want a name for the first one.
Hang in a lil tighter, my dear. We'll meet soon. 

Love,
Your excited mother.

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