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Stages of Lessons

These past two years, is a mind changing phase for me. I was born stubborn, and its hard for me to take a lesson. I lose respect to people easily, which makes it hard for me to learn from somebody else's advice.

But Allah is the best of teacher. He teaches me things stage by stage, by sending different kind of people. Not until this Monday that I realised what was His biggest lesson of all.

If you think you want to read it, I should alert you with this: This is my truest lesson I've learned, from my own experience. It might involve some people, and I will tell you my truest opinion about them (or not at all). If other person's story dull you, then you should close this page. Because I can only deliver these stages based on my own experience, not other.

***

First lesson: Knowing my self. 

I was a people pleaser. Was. I do whatever it takes to make everyone happy. Everyone. In school, or in neighbourhood, whenever I played with some friends, I always be the one who give them all. Food, toys, even money. Stupid, I know. I want to make everyone happy and love me.

I didn't know my self. I got lost easily, when I was with different kind of people, I'd copied them. And so it goes. All I know was just, I'm the water. I could fit in, and I'll do whatever it takes to fit in. I moved from one town to another, and I did my best to fit in the world that keeps changing.

But I don't know who I am, until..

Allah sent me this one man. From whom I finally think he's the one. I only had three boyfriends before him, I was never be that certain. The relationship goes for years, before it was finally over. A hardest whip to my heart. A person who always want to please everyone, now got left from her boy friend. I thought I did my best to please him. But he never feels that I'm enough.

This lesson goes for a year. I was running, crying, calling my friends, I talk to stranger about this very miserable story, and I curse him to death. I hate him so much that I barely can think of the good things we had.

But thankfully, at the same time, I met someone. He then changes everything.

Long story short, I fell silently to this one. I have no courage to say, because I'm in doubt my self. Is it really love, or just a distraction. I don't know, but it felt good.

Months goes, but this person is not getting any warmer. I hadn't been this way before. I always got what I want. I was born stubborn, and I fight for everything that I believed is mine. Until this one.

I fell in love with a cold person. With whom I can share a really great time, but home to an empty chat box. Nothing but one word or two. We chat sometimes, but never for a chit chat.

Then I started to think that he's not into me. So I tried to move on, and it was the hardest. Because he's not even mine to begin with, how can I move on?

And I have to embrace the fact that we could still be together but not together. We could share stories, and jokes, and laugh with each other, but not together. I couldn't even able to say 'Hey I like you' as light as I always did whenever I liked a person. I don't know why I was so certain and uncertain at the same time.

Loving him was truly a lesson, because I have to hide it carefully. Nobody knows. None can know about this except my best friend whose in different circle. So there.. where I learn how to shut my mouth, focusing my heart, and following my head.

One day..

He broke my heart. By something that I can't tell. But I need to keep my chin up. None can know about how hurt I was, except that one friend. None. I walk like there was nothing going on. I should move forward, without any sign that I'm deeply cut.

That's when I found: minimalism. 

***

Second Lesson: Knowing How to Love

Allah then sent me a different person. This one is.. well, I can say.. more aggressive. Most aggressive. He protected me like none else, he claimed me belongs to him. And he trace my sign in whichever way he could.

I wasn't so into him. But I have to move forward from that cold one. So I tried to love him. I try hard, try my best to care about him. And that's when I know how to love a person whom you know loved us. But he didn't love me. He loves the idea of me. He didn't care for me. He only cared about him self, that he shows that he care about me so that I could do the same to him.

Once I realised that he didn't love me, and only care about him self... I.. continue.

I learn how to really care about him. I ignore the voices in my head that says 'you should be taken care too'. We spent hours and hours talking in the phone or in person, and its all about him. I learn how to take care of him, while usually I was the one who was taken care. I hope nothing in return, because I know expecting it could be hurtful. So I continue until one day, he chose someone else over me. Someone who is braver, more straight forward, and ask him over me.

I let him go in joyful tear.

Thank you.. 

***

Third Lesson: Knowing my Lord

There are people, who believe in the existence of God, but not turning to him when in hardship or being tested.

Until I learned the second lesson, I never rely on Allah when I got trouble.

After he left, and I was all alone (again), I learn to turn back to Quran. I dig deeper, when usually I just read it and its translation, now I tried to find its meaning. The divine speech (which I found from Nouman Ali Khan), helped me get thru some questions.

The realisation about who is Allah, is one mind blowing things I could only realised. Its not easy to deliver the realisation, especially when the one you speak with don't want to hear anything about God. I know more about Allah than you, dumb young woman! maybe that's what they say deep in their heart.

I don't care.
The more I learn about Allah, the more I want someone to be by my side, as a friend to talk to. Which I still don't have until today. Not everyone is a good listener and a good speaker at the same time. So I chose to be silent.

In silence,. I observed. I almost forget about the cold guy. I keep my self busy thinking about who is Allah. I threw this question, once I was a kid. And my father said, our brain wasn't designed for that, you could keep thinking and find no answer because you just have to believe that there is Allah.

In this part, Allah didn't send me a new guy. I was stuck to the same guy I mentioned before. The cold one. He was never truly leave, and never truly in. Until my fourth lesson. And I'm afraid if this is the final lesson, maybe my duty in here will soon be over.

***

Fourth Lesson: Dzikr Heart. 

What would you think when you hear the word Dzikr ?

Subhanallah, Alhamdulillah, Allahu Akbar? 

True.

But how would you think the heart do Dzikr?
By repeating those three words? How? You drive, and all in your mind is turning right, and then left, and right again, there is no room to repeating words. Your mind is so busy planning every seconds that it has no room for the same words over and over again. Would it means that your heart is not Dzikr?

This Monday, I finally learn this lesson. How is the Dzikr Heart.

Let me tell you why; that cold guy was finally broke me, into pieces. He did something, a simple thing, that makes me realised that I was a fool by loving him for these past two years. I didn't know why he did that, was he intended to hurt me, or was he just fooling around, I guess I'll never know. But all I know is.. he opened my eyes. That all these time, I was cared for him, support him, loved him, for nothing. I was a joke. Not more than a 'haha! just kidding' and its fine. He could do that of course. He doesn't have any responsibility to love me or whatever just because I loved him. I chose to fell in love with him in silence, that's the risk I'm willing to take.

And it's finally over.
At first, I was in a huge disappointment. I cry to Allah, and asked Him why. Got no answer, but a realisation. Again, like a flickr of document came thru my mind, I suddenly understand a thing.

I wasn't really believed in Allah. I believed in Allah and His power, but I didn't give Him my whole trust. Proved by how I still hoping for one guy to be mine. I should've just believe and let Him do His plans.

The Dzikr Heart, is a heart whose in remembrance of God. That when he feels sad, or anxious, the heart will remind the person about Allah. That He is Knowing, He is Seeing, and He is Hear everything. He Knows, so that you better at ease. He sees, so you better at ease. The heart who feels like He's watching, will be at peace.

I trained my heart these days, to convince that 'Allah is there, He is Watching, and His plan is for the best'. 

Try this. When you are worry about something you cant change, try to remember that Allah is near. He is closer than your jugular vein. He Knows everything. He is in the Highest place up above, but He Knows you.

Every time I feel sad, because my most favorite person consider me as a joke, whenever I feel like I'm nothing because I have no husband like anyone else, I dont have a person who wake up every morning thinking about me, say good morning, and tell me that he loves me,. I remind my self that I have Allah. He will make it great one day, I just have to wait and be patient.

There is a fine line between patience and apathy. But I believed all a woman could do in this matter is just to wait. There is no point again for me to fight for his love. Because I already did. I support him, help him, show him that I care, and got nothing. So I stop.

Why bother fighting for his love, when I can fight for His love. Allah loves me. That's all I want, and that's all that matter for now. Until He sent me His perfect timing, when He Knows that I'm ready. He knows me better than me. So I give Him everything about this, this is something that I can't change. Something that I can't fight for. Even for a stubborn girl, when she hits rockbottom, she wouldn't care to fight again. She knows when to stop, and look to another direction.

There are plenty of things that I can change. Why focusing on one thing that I couldn't change.

***

I know this isn't sound as great as it sounds in my mind. This is a powerful message that I want to deliver, and I still need to learn how to do a good writing. If you stay until this word,.. thank you. Hope you learn something from Allah through this page. 

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